Two more days to go

I’m tired, but satisfied. I’ve passed two out of four days of the training, and so far everything went well. My most concern was the participants. From my experience presenting and observing in Jakarta, some participants were silent and less expressive, even though they were cooperative. I anticipated worse situation than that in Jakarta. Fortunately, it didn’t happen. Though many of them came late, they were not only cooperative, they were very eager to do anything I asked them to do. No complaints, no reluctant, let alone ‘bete’, faces.

My second concern was today’s sessions. Among all topics I have to present in this training, today’s sessions are scariest part. It was about lesson planning… Gosh! The Bloom’s, the objectives, the SOAR, the SMART, the ABCD etc… Last night I was really overwhelmed by these terms that I could hardly think clearly. I kept milling around in my hotel room trying to find ideas on how to make today’s sessions less boring (if I couldn’t make it interesting). It turned out that the participants were full of spirit when they had to share ideas, discuss, and develop lesson plan. I was so…so..so relieved. Though I don’t know (yet) their opinion on how I conduct this training, but at least from their responses in the first two days I can conclude that everything is going just fine.

I still have two more days to go. I really hope nothing will ruin this good situation till the end of the training. God help me…

The Whitey Clouds

I really love my cell-phone. It’s so smart that I don’t need to switch it off during my flight to Surabaya since it has ‘flight mode’. So I can take pictures of the white clouds up there. The weather was so clear and the clouds were so thick. The plane went through the clouds several times.

Watching the clouds, reminded me of a song I used to sing when I was in kindergarten

Kulihat awan
Seputih kapas
Arak-berarak di langit luas
Andai kudapat kesana terbang
Akan kuraih
Kubawa pulang
=)

It also reminded me of a scene in the wayang comics I loved to read when I was a kid. I really loved wayang stories. One scene that I remember most when it comes to the three supreme Gods: Syiwa, Brahma, and Wisnu, they like to watch over people on earth by standing on the clouds. They even often held a meeting on the clouds. Of course It isn’t true. But at least that’s the way the scene was illustrated in the comics.
I kept smiling along the flight… it was a nice flight

The Hotel

Arrived in the hotel, I was welcomed by the cool drink and the nice smile of the front desk officer. Then my eyes caught on something….Yes! there’s hotspot here!...free!...even though only in the lobby. Well, that’s fine, even though the sofa and the table format is not designed to give comfort for people wanting to use laptop there… *sigh*

Opening the room…Geeee…clean and cozy…Modern style, LCD TV, big bed..and…yes! a bathtub. I think it’s a nice time to enjoy myself before doing tomorrows’ sessions. Am I right?

Hey, now I’m waiting for the therapist to give me a free 10-minute back massage…see ya!

I should've or shouldn't have?

Sometimes when you get disappointed, hurt, or upset, you have the urge to let out things to the person who has made you disappointed as much as you can. You are so focused on your disappointment that subconsciously you, yourself, might hurt that person with your harsh blow. And once you find that you have hurt her/him, it will hurt you even more.
That is exactly the thing i just did, i guess.
I'm so sorry... so sorry...so sorry...
seems that i want to say this a thousand times... but i just don't have the courage to say it even once in front of the person...
I'm sorry...

I feel like crying...tonight

I've been longing for the time I could go to a place... alone... sitting quietly enjoying beautiful view of my surroundings...without anybody to interrupt or to stare at me with raised eyebrows...

I really want to get away from people i meet daily... really wanna find someone who can 'hear' the unsaid things of mine... who's gonna say "I do understand you"... "I know what you feel"... without having me whining or spilling out my feelings...

I'm tired... of meeting the wrong person at the wrong time...
No cinderella story on my journal entries...
I really wanna shout... "It's ME!!!... I'm hurt!!"

I know that life is a matter of choice.
And this is my choice... and have to bear the consequences...
But please allow me to have a break...
I wanna have MINE....MINE...truly MINE...

Thank God I found this poem in my old organizer. It helps me cry hard...so I feel a bit relieved now...

YOU LEARN
After awhile you learn
The subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn
That love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeat
With your head up, and your eyes open
With the grace of maturity
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of
Falling down in mid-flight

After awhile you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So play in your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
To give you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

And you learn
And you learn
And you learn
with every goodbye, you learn

(source unknown)

Are you an observer?... coz I am

Do you:

• have a quiet or shy personality?
• like to be alone-get lost in reading or similar interests? (checked)
  
• have definite opinions about most things but show willingness to listen to other interpretations? (checked)
• have an interest in how things work or in philosophical questions? (checked)
• have a whimsical sense of humor?
• tend to stay separate or hover around the edge of the groups (checked)
• seem uninterested in social norms? (checked)
• dislike it when people pry or lavish too much attention on you? (chcked)

Observers are curious and have active minds. They have no problems entertaining themselves. they don't like to be put on the spot. They may see things that others don't. They do not usually care about social conventions and do not alway interact easily.

Observers will do almost anything to avoid unpleasantness. Some wish they could speak without thinking about it so much first. One-to-one contact is often more comfortable than being in groups.

Observers have strong consciences and want to do things according to their principles. They don't like it when others try to caretake or intrude into their business. They love their privacy. Staying up into the late hours, when they don't have to worry about people distracting or bothering them, can give them magical feeling of freedom.

Observers defend themselves well verbally and will argue about almost anything. They form lots of opinions. However, being introverted, they don't think as fast as on their feet as many others do. Decisions can bedifficult for them. They are curious and motivated to learn, but they don't usually broadcast their accomplishment.

For observers, anger and negativism can go underground and go stuck there. In terms of responsibility, they usually have the conscience, sense of fairness, and self-discipline.

If you belong to most characteristics mentioned above, observer may be your main type of personality.

Honestly, I am an observer. Though I know that if my friends read this, they may laugh at me and say...
NO YOU'RE NOT.
If they say so... well, I feel relieved...
wanna know why?
Well, let me just keep it for myself =)

a piece of my old journal entries

Recently, I like to read some of my old journal entries. Somewhere around 2004 I wrote down a short poem given by a colleague.

DREAMS
by Langston Hughes, 1994

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow