You lose some, you gain some

But I do feel I gain a lot in the office I work now...
It's been about eight months since I moved from my former office. It does cost me more in terms of money, time, energy, ... And health. Even the quality and quantity of the job are much higher than before. Sometimes I have to go through depressing moments when I will experience headache and nausea because of the loads. But at the same time I really feel challenged and pushed to my maximum limit. And those nausean headache, stomachache (all the psychosomatic symptoms whatsoever) pay off when I can see the result of my job. It doesn't really matter if the result is good, satisfactoru, or so so. What matters more is when I find I have tried my best to do my job. I did not waste time given to me.

Like now, I'm facing another challenge. I am experiencing those symptoms. And I do really have limited time with so many things to cover. Not to mention all interuptions and so.

Not knowing (yet) the result, I hope things will go smoothly and I am doing good.

.

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Another PC quote

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best possible.
(Paulo Coelho)


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Ya Sudahlah

Ketika mimpimu yg begitu indah,
tak pernah terwujud..ya sudahlah
Saat kau berlari mengejar anganmu,
dan tak pernah sampai..ya sudahlah...

Saat kau berharap keramahan cinta,
tak pernah kau dapat..ya sudahlah....

...
Janganlah kau bersedih
Coz everything's gonna be okay...

(Bondan Prakoso and Fade 2 Black)

note:
Kata-katanya dalem tapi lagunya gak mellow
Good job Bondan... I like it :)  *Rianti Cartwright mode*

All by myself

I am experiencing what I had a year ago...what I had 10 years ago. History repeats itself (Harry Potter mode). When I wake up n when I go to bed, I feel weary inside. Only that this time I don't feel like sharing it with anybody... Not one. Though I know I do have friends willing to listen. It's not because I don't trust them. I just don't feel talking.
I do realize that there will be time in life when we have multiple problems. And we just don't have to ask why. They just happen to you that's it. U just cannot (or do not need) to question God for whatever happens to u. My dropping physical state is only one part but it is severe enough to drop my global self worth which in the end affects how I deal with things.
I wish I had.... with me. But dream on... I guess I'm just torturing myself to think that way. All I need to bear in mind that I must be able to face this alone (wasn't I also facing the similar saga alone a year or ten years ago?).
"Life is unfair," some people say. "We don't know the reason why things happen to us until sometime later," other people say. Well... Whatever... They just don't matter to me anymore. Time for quotation is over.
In my prayer at the moment, I ask God to guide me to be able to see His plan. So then I can understand why I have to experience this. And I hope it won't take long time coz it's extremely hard for me now to keep the belief that God knows what we need the most. Coz now I don't have what I think I need the most. And I never get used to this hardship, though I already went through similar ones before...
Oh God... I'm tired to deal with this all by myself.



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Great Pretender

So, u think u know me that well?
No, u do not. I'm just giving u what u want to see.
Actually I wanted to show u my true color. But time went by and I learned that u are too spoiled, too weak to have the courage to see the real thing. Then I think I should just give u what u want to see.
I thought u prefer the real me... You do not.
Well alright... If that's what u want from me...
So be it...


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I Want to Cut Clean You

I feel like leaving that place completely.
So I can cut clean you.
I am considering this
Again and again
You make me think of this option
Never other people around you, even the intimidating ones
I hope time will tell me soon
soon enough to make a final decision

My second visit to Solo

I was so excited when I got the chance to visit Solo again. My first experience about two years ago that makes me excited. I like the place as well as the food.. Though I was not sure if I would have the chance to go sightseeing or eat the Solo delicacies, I was still excited about coming to this small town.
My coming this time is actually for work, but a friiend of mine asked me to prolong my stay since she wanted to travel to Solo too. I agreed. This was good, so I could completely concentrate on the training first.
She came on the last day of the training. She was ready with a list of Solo culinary places. We used becak to go here and there. Starting from nasi liwet, sate buntel, gule sumsum, kikil bakar, soto triwindu, Solo snacks like surabi, lumpia, Solo drinks like dongoo, asle, es beras kencur, degan... U name it. Still we had some items left.
The last day we decided to visit Triwindu flea market and keraton. We found unique items and bought somne in that flea market. Next, we went to keraton kesunanan. Initially I wanted to go to keraton mangkunegaran not to keraton kesunanan. But the becak driver told us there's nothing really special in the keraton mangkunegaran compare to keraton kesunanan. Alright then we chose the second one. Even though I've been there before, I didn't eplore the place much in my first visit. This time I went to every single room there. I even stepped on the main keraton area. We are not allowed to wear sandals there. Either wearing shoes or be barefooted. An abdi dalem approached us asking 'light questions' about us. He started to talk about the tower-like building where the kings usually meditated. First, my friend and I thought he was doing something like any othe tour guides do. But as the conversation went on, we found he was not just telling the history. It turned out to be an interesting conversation between us about the hsitory of the Javanese kingdoms, his devotion for the keraton and the royal family, his insight on what happened to the kingdoms, as well as the present condition of the royal family. He enthusiastically answered our questions with his comprehensive knowledge about the Javanese history. It was already an hour when we realized that we hadn't had our lunch and had to catch up our flights. We wished we had had more time since pak Danarso (his name) was also eager to tell us more. We then had quick lunch, rushed back to the hotel, and went to the airport by the hotel car.
I think our experience in the keraton was the pinnacle of our visit to Solo :)
Solo is another nice place I visit. I always want to go back there.


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I've had it up to here (the series)

The series... Iya, karena itu terpikir (dan terkatakan) bukan cuma sekali. Ini bukan yg pertama. The thing is, yg sebelum2nya gak ditulis di sini. Hanya terpikir dan terucap.
Tapi kenyataannya, meskipun sudah beberapa kali terjadi, kenyataan mengatakan kalo ternyata belum sampai ujungnya. Belum ditutup bukunya, begitu biasanya istilah gue. Tapi stiap kali berteriak "I've had it up to here", rasanya memang seperti sudah di ujungnya. Kalo gue mau evaluasi, degree of pain nya sama, setiap kali terpikir itu. Dan setiap kali itu terucap, aku berharap bahwa itu memang ujungnya. Dengan pemikiran bahwa setelah itu aku akan bebas.
Kali ini aku gak mengatakannya... Cukuo pada diri sendiri...dengan tambahan di ujung kalimat: REALLY?
Kadang2 aku (entah nyadar or setengahnyadar) suka mengait-ngaitkan situasi2 tertentu sbg 'tanda-tanda'.
"It's a sign!" *dengan gaya si Je*
Sekarangpun aku mengaitkannya dengan situasi2 yang terjadi belakangan. Buruknya, aku kadang terpikir kalo ini adalah hukuman Allah buat kesalahanku entah yg mana (yg jelas banyak).
Suuzhon...itu istilahnya. Gak boleh...itu aturan mainnya. Tapi kadang memang ada situasi2 yg bikin kita sulit banget untuk berbaik sangka... Termasuk berbaik sangka sama Allah. Meskipun kita mau. Meskipun logika mengatakan begitu. Efeknya kalo udah begini? Yang namanya si HOPE alamat rontok pelan-pelan. Kaya rambut gue yg meskipun dah pake shampoo Pantene anti rontok, teteeeeeeppp.
Dengan terjemahan bahasa Indonesia: Cukup sampai disini! Dan dengan rasa kecewa yg luar biasa (what's new?), aku mengatakannya (lagi) sekarang. Meskipun hanya pada diri sendiri, dan blum tau apakah memang sudah sampai ujungnya...



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Piss off!

I hardly ever have the urge to say these words to someone, especially to somebody i barely know. But this time i feel like shouting them to this person.
She (yes, it is a SHE) has made me so irritated. Dunno exactly her main purpose of doing those things. Get the hell, i thought... I don't know you anyway...
But once, twice, three times...
Hmmm... I smell a threat from your words... even from your 'nice and wise' words...
Thinking of you and what you do to me make me sick...And of course i don't want to get sick, mentally...or physically.
So if you can do me a little favor...PISS OFF!... Stay away from my life!

Monika's New Friend

It was only yesterday this big monkey came to our home. My sister brought her for my nephew.
"It's Milo," said my sister
But my niece makes Monika call her new friend 'ibu'. That's because it's similar to Monika, bigger size, and female (coz there's LOVE on her chestn so it's female).



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Mesjid Kubah Emas, Depok

Initially, we only planned to go to ITC Mangga Dua to buy a new modem to replace our problematic one at home. Apparently, it's closed since today's a national holiday.
Then we tried ITC Cemmpaka Mas. Lucky for us, it opened. I got the modem plus 2GB flashdisk..
While browsing around, out of nowhere we came up with mesjid kubah Emas as the topic. Since my mom was the only of us who once visited that mesjid, my bro gave the idea to go there afterwards.
We arrived there aroun 3 pm. Get ready to pray Ashar. Browsing around and taking pictures for awhile. Then leave home.
Unfortunately, we couldn't take pictures inside the mesjid.
Grand mesjid, clean, with good facilities.


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I wish...

Many years ago, when i was much-much younger (I AM still young now, but I was MUCH younger back then), i couldn't understand when some people requested tv and radio not to broadcast commercials on food n drinks during Ramadhan. They said thay couldn't stand the temptation coming from those delicacies. "Payah...masa gara2 iklan gitu aja ngiler sih," my mind said.
Yes, long-long time ago i wasn't easily shaken by those things while fasting...
But now??? Thimgs have changed...
Duuuuhhhh enaknyaaaaa.... Kalo liat yg kaya gini pas lagi puasa...rasanyaaaa.... :p

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Happy B'day Monika!

It's been a year of funny and happy moments. Traveling together with my baby monkey.
Happy b'day Monika...
A very nice and cute-cute baby monkey :)
Yipeeee....


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Two strikes in a week

I was shocked when my sister in-law texted me that my dad was taken to ICU. It was just the first day of my meeting with my colleagues in Bandung. My boss told me that it was okay if I went back home. I called almost everybody home to find out what was actually happening to my father. Seems that it was only my mom knew exactly the story but i couldn't reach her. All I knew was it was quite a sudden since my dad was still watering the plants and washing my car in the morning. It was only the two of them -my mom n my dad- at home. When i finally reached my mom, she said "Tekanan darah sama gulanya tinggi". That's all. When I kept asking "Lalu?" She just said, "Sekarang masih diperiksa-periksa sama dokter". Well, okay. When several hours later i called back, my mom said "dirawat...ini ada tante A, tante B, ...". "Gak usah pulang...dah gak apa-apa" I was quite relieved. I was also relieved since my brother was already there.

The next day, I got skin rash after having my lunch and felt dizzy. It was quite weird since I am not allergic to any kinds of food. To cold weather, yes...but the AC was off the whole night. Subconsciously i knew why this happened. I am psychosomatic.
Apparently, the news about my dad was not the only strike I got. In the afternoon, when me n my boss were heading for the FOs, she told me that the trainer who was supposed to teach in the next two days was hospitalized. I think she already predicted my reaction, that's why she didn't immediately inform me once she got the news. We were busy calling possible substitutes in the taxi. "Who would want to handle the training in such short notice? Oh, dream on," my mind said. I was right. Gosh, why should this happen when i am the PIC of this so-called challenging training...FOR THE FIRST TIME
My boss said, "The worst case, one of you should go home"
"Who, me?"
"No, him or him"
I felt even worse. I was the PIC and one of my colleagues would bear the consequence. I really wished I had already handled that subject.
We kept trying, until my boss finally got a substitute. Was so relieved...both of us.

In short...
I went back home. My brother and my sister were still at the office or otw home. My sister in-law was the first person i could reach. I talked to her....
Apparently my father got a stroke. He couldn't move the left part of his body.
*Sigh* my mom is always like that...she never reveals the whole story.
I went to the hospital. I was relieved to see my father could already move his hand and leg. His mood was good. He laughed at my mom's jokes.
This is the first time he is hospitalized...the first time he's got stroke. I can predict what he feels at the moment.
The thing i feel relieved the most about my dad is his strong motivation to get recovered. He is willing to do anything to recover asap. And i think that's enough for now.

Now what?

Seperti biasa, pagi-pagi aku berangkot ria ke kantor. Kali ini ga ambil posisi di pojok, melainkan di belakang supir. Masalahnya si pak supir taruh ban serep di pojok antara tempat duduk penumpang. So, kalo mo duduk di pojokan, alamat kaki harus nangkkring di atas ban. Ogah banget. Entah karena si jok bagian pojok yg sakit hati krn gue tinggalkan or emang lagi ga beruntung aja, koq ya hari ini aku kebagian tetangga seorang bapak yg bolak2 bersin. Aku berusaha memalingkan wajah ke arah lain dengan harapan ga ketularan.

Lanjut cerita, aku nyampe lah di kantor dengan bahagia, karena transjakarta hari ini lancar n aku selalu kebagian duduk. Ngobrol sini ngobrol sana sama temen2 kantor sblm ngetik ini n itu...koq ya hidungku mulai gatel2 n aku mulai bersin-bersin.

Sampe jam makan siang, keadaan bukan makin baik malah makin parah. Tenggorokan mulai ikut sakit. Huaaaaa.....
Jam 2 siang gw dah ga bisa mikir lagi. Maka jadilah gue tinggalkan Suhu n si AJ punggung2an bdua dengan compi mereka masing2..

Barusan gue dah nenggak obat n dua biji vitamin. Blon ada tanda2 menuju hidup sehat nih. Biasanya ni obat bikin ngantuk... Tapi skrg gue koq malah susah tidur...
hiks...


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Once upon a time in an 'angkot'

Sejak aku pindah kantor, pulang dan pergi aku hampir slalu naik angkot. aku bilang hampir selalu karena kadang2 aku pulang naik taksi. Biasanya aku naik taksi kalo sedang buru2 karena harus ngajar di cabang lain, lagi gak enak badan, atau lagi gaya karena baru gajian.

Menjadi angkot passanger itu ternyata banyak dinamikanya. Aku menyaksikan dan mengalami banyak hal. Ya gimana nggak. Aku naik angkot mulai dari pool angkot itu berangkat sampe di terminal ujung rute itu angkot...heheheeee...

Contohnya aja hari ini. Minimal ada tiga kejadian di angkot yg aku alami.
Pertama, waktu berangkat ke kantor.
Seperti biasa aku akan ambil posisi di pojokan supaya ga kena ganggu2 orang yg turun naik. Yah secara rute gue dari ujung ke ujung. Kebetulan pas di sebelah kananku duduk seorang bapak dengan baju safari. Sudah menjadi hal yg lumrah kalo sebagian penghuni angkot memejamkan mata alias tidur di perjalanan pagi hari (termasuk gue tentunya). Mulai dari yg merem-merem ayam sampe yg tidur beneran. Tak terkecuali si bapak di sebelahku ini. Entah, mungkin semalam dia habis nonton siaran piala dunia kali ya, tidurnya tuh keliatan nyenyaaakkk bener. Dan karena anglot itu penuh, otomatis aku kena imbas badan si bapak yg kadang limbung ke kanan or ke kiri. Yo wis lah.. meskipun duduk jadi kerasa rada berat. Eeeehhh tapi lama kelamaan kepala dia koq makin miring ke arahku ya? dan ketika si supir ngerem...Eeeeeehhh... itu kepala si bapak nyaris nyangsang ke pundak gue....
Wah, ini kaga bisa dibiarkan duonks... Dengan sigap aku menggerakkan badan seperti mo ambil sesuatu dalam tas. Si bapak itu langsung kebangun... dan syukurlah...melek terus sejak itu...

Kedua, terjadi waktu pulang.
Again, aku ambil posisi di pojok. Angkot itu dah hampir penuh. Tinggal ada satu space pas di sebelahku. Kenek angkot semakin giat memanggil2 orang itu segra naik angkot. And...here comes the last passanger...
Seorang ibu dengan dua tas gede(Dianya juga cukup gede). dengan 'bahagia' dia langsung duduk BLEK! di sebelahku. Yah, jadilah gue tergencet di pojokan. Tangan bener2 ga bisa gerak.. :(

Ketiga, tetep di angkot yang sama
Perjalanan di jalan tol emang membuat ngantuk. Mataku dah merem... sayup2...hampir hilang....
Dueeeng...tiba-tiba aku kebangun karena di seberang dudukku, ada ibu2 lagi nelpon. Awalnya sih aku ga peduli dan ga berniat ngupingin pembicaraan doi. Tapi gimana ga peduli dan ga nguping...lah wong dia nelpon keras gitu. And angkot itu sempit pulak bukan?
Ternyata doi jualan sodara2...sepanjang perjalanan di tol dia melayani customer nya via telpon. Otomatis smua org denger lah. Tapi doi santai aja tuh. Selesai telpon...eh, ibu di sebelah dia malah jadi tertarik sama produk suplemen makanan yg dia jual itu. jadilah mereka ngobrol dan berpromosi ria. Hanya dalam beberapa menit, si ibu yg tertarik dengan produk itu langusng pengen jadi anggota. Gak cuma itu, ibu yg di sebelahku (yg telah bikin gue kegencet) dikasih brosurnya juga.

Heheheeee... dunia persilatan angkot emang rupa2 warnanya. Ini aja baru dua bulan lebih...gimana kalo....???

Two months has passed

Sudah dua bulan lebih aku berkantor di tempat baru. Sebagian besar teman bilang "Aduuuuhh capek dong ya sekarang"
"Berapa jam perjalanan?"
"Expense smakin gede dong ya"
dalam hati, "Ya iyya laaaahhh...masa ya iya dong"
Tapi ada juga yg bilang "Lebih enak ya jam kerjanya sekarang...lebih teratur"
Pikirku, "Yang dulu juga teratur koq...dari siang sampe malem *nyngir*.
Ada juga yang tanya, "Lebih enak mana? yang dulu apa yang sekarang?"
Naaaahhh...kalo menurutku pertanyaan yg rada2 challenging nih ya yang ini. Tapi ngerti gue dong. Gue pasti punya cara buat ngeles....
"Wah, gak bisa dibandingin sih...sebab job desc nya kan beda banget.. bla-bla-bla"
Tapi tunggu dulu, maksd gue baik koq. Gue ga pengen menjadikan salah satunya keliatan lebih favorable atau tidak lebih favorable dari yg lain.
Yang pasti, adaptasi sangat besar...terutama untuk urusan berhubungan dengan pria. Weits! jangan ngeres dulu... sabar.
Maksudku, meskipun beda jumlah rekan kerja pria di tempat yg dulu n di tempat yg skrg cuma beda2 tipis, tapi ternyata atmosphere nya beda banget. Terutama dengan Suhu yang satu itu... hahahaaaaa... Awalnya sumpah, aku kuatir banget bakal sakit hati dengan tipe bliau yg 'terbuka'. Tapi ternyata lama kelamaan aku mulai terbiasa koq. malah kalo gak ada Suhu yg satu itu kadang jadi terasa kurang meriah. Kalo meeting ga ada doi pun jadi kurang gimanaaaaa gitu... *kurang perlawanan...wkwkwk*

Hal lain yg juga perlu adaptasi banget adalah urusan kerjaan... Ealah maaaaakkk...kalo lagi pas banyak order kaya gini nih...sampe mules deh. Gak tau apa karena aku nya yg new kid on the block or emang itu urusan bikin mules :p

Tapi satu hal yg pasti yg dari hari ke hari smakin gue suka... adalah...sesi di Cafe Meong. Nama itu Cafe datang dari temenku yg namanya Pinah. doi blom bikin selametan tuh buat memproklamasikan nama cafe itu. Sesi Cafe Meong biasanya terjadi di jam2 sekitar makan siang. Mulai dari acara ketawa2 ngakak, sampe urusan nangis2 pernah terjadi tuh di sesi cafe meong. Pokoke rame lah.

More or less... aku mencoba menikmati pekerjaan yg sekarang. This is my choice anyway... smoga menjadi keputusan yg gak bakal kusesali...

Ganbatte kudasai!

My lovely E75

Starting from now i rely on mora to my lovely E75 than W960. however, i still keep that soner phone no matter what.

On Trusting

To trust is hard, but not to trust is even worse. Life seems so dry when you cannot trust. The dryness will eat your soul until you are a living dead.
I once preferred not to trust when disappointment seemed unbearable. But if u only knew how bad it was like when i lost the willingness to trust. I even lost myself. I didn't even know who I was.
I eventually realized. To trust is not what you choose. It's what you need. And you cannot live in complete when you lack one of your needs.
I want to trust, though disappointments may lie ahead. I have two reasons for this.
First, i want to live to the fullest.
Second, coz i wanna be trusted as well.
I believe that human interactions are reciprocal. You just cannot expect people to trust you, unless you trust them. Negative thoughts are contagious, as well as positive thoughts.

What it takes to be a thinker

Kadang-kadang capek jadi pemikir (baca: thinker), apa-apa dipikirin. Mulai dari hal penting sampe kadang yang gak penting ikut dipikirin. Mulai dari masalah serius sampe masalah sepele dibahas (sama otak maksudnya). Padahal gue dah membatasi diri untuk gak tau-menau masalah orang (yang notabene ga ada sangkut-pautnya sama gue maksudnya). Jadi secara logika mestinya hidup gue ringan dong....bukan?
Tapi kayanya begitulah resiko jadi pemikir. Otak ini rasanya muter terus gak berhenti memproses smua apa yg diliat, didengar, dirasa, (so far yg dicium blom gue pikirin). Bahkan saat tidur pun kayanya ga bisa gue jadikan pelarian untuk lepas dari mikirin banyak hal. Gak banyak2 amat sih, tapi cukup banyak lah untuk volume otak orang segede gue (idiiiihhhh maen fisik loooo....).
Beberapa minggu belakangan ini, rasanya kecepatan perputaran otak gue makin meningkat. Muteeeeerrrr terus. Padahal kalo dipikir-pikir (tuh kan mikir), beban kerjaan di kantor yg baru ini gak yang segitunya. Tapi kayanya koq ini otak ya kerasa capek. Ditambah blom lama ini ada kejadian gak penting yg melibatkan gue. Beneran gak penting. Yang kalo mo dibahas juga rasanya....gimana ya...duh, gak berkelas banget deh. Hare gene yg harusnya level pembicaraan dah tentang apaaaa gitu yg agak2 sophisticated. Tapi herannya gue tetep kepikiran juga...ngeselin ga sih?
Rasanya ada yang gak beres nih. Kayanya ni otak dah mulai rada-rada kurang waras. Sekarang nih, kadang-kadang ada rasa pengen namparin orang-orang tertentu. Tapi yaaaa tentu aja secara superego gue gak mungkin melakukannya.
Tapi satu hal gue tau. Gue harus mendapatkan jalan keluar dari kemumetan ini. Berpikir boleh, tapi kudu yang positip. Itu pilihan. Tidak bergaul dan berteman dengan orang-orang yang akan membuat gue berpikir negatip. Itu harus.
Rasanya ide bagus kalo ada pelampiasan secara fisik juga. Inget dong tadi, gue kadang-kadang tiba-tiba sekonyong-konyong justru pengen namparin orang-orang tertentu. Jadi sebelum bener-bener kejadian gue nampar orang, sebaiknya gue segera mendapatkan penyaluran fisik itu. Blom lama ini gue nyempetin untuk berenang lagi...sendiri. Ritual berabad-abad lalu yg dah lama gue tinggalkan. Lumayan membantu. The problem is.... waktunya ituuuuu. Tempat yg convenient banget buat gue renang sendiri dengan swimwear yg gue banget (tak perlu gue elaborasikan disini) itu adanya cuma hari-hari tertentu dengan jam-jam tertentu yg gak mungkin banget buat gue. Gimana dong?
Trus lagi... gue juga merasa perlu penyegaran pikiran dan hati...siraman rohani bahasa agamanya deh. The thing is... itu pengajian diadain di waktu yang gue juga ga bisa ikutan...*sigh*
Tuh...bertambah lagi yang gue pikirin kan?

Hey Lady....

Hey lady,
If I am silent, it doesn't mean I'm scared.
If I don't respond you, it doesn't mean I admit being guilty.
If I try to stay nice, it doesn't mean you can do whatever you like.
If you want me to suffer, well... it is not you to decide my happiness or suffering.
If what you do now satisfies you, let me ask u something...Are you sure?
FYI
I refrain myself (hard) from being sharp because I try to understand your position.
I don't want to see the next victims.
Let me make myself clear...
It is YOU, not ME, who have the problem...

Those swearing words

Last weekend, I got a text from an old friend, a friend in my college. She asked me to go out with her to the mall. "I'd like to buy sport shoes. would u accompany me?" she said. Since I didn't have any plans that day, i accepted her invitation. Actually, i was wondering what made her impulsively ask me to go out while we had met just a week before. Anyway, I didn't think much of her invitation.

We ended up browsing for sport shoes, having lunch, and watching movie together. During lunch she told me that one of her subordinates wrote something bad about her in fb status. I asked her how it happened. My friend told me she reprimanded her subordinate for her carelessness. This person couldn't accept that. Even though actually it was indeed her mistake. This person spilled out her grudge by swearing very improper statements through fb status. I asked my friend whether her words were sharp when reprimanding this person. My friend said she said things in a very controlled emotion with controlled words and did not touch personal matters. She told me every single word she said which I think normal for a boss to reprimand her subordinate. My friend knew this person couldn't take it since she was crying after that and threatened to quit. My friend never thought that she would vent her anger through fb with those kinds of words.
Me, with my curiosity, still couldn't get how bad the words are until my friend showed me the saved note from her BB. I couldn't recall the complete status. What stuck in my head was these words:
"....dasar perempuan mandul! gue sumpahin seumur hidup gak bakal dapet keturunan...."
and of course the status was open for everybody including all the people around her office plus the branches...
I wasn't the one getting the attack...still, I gasped in disbelief...
My friend was crying while I was reading the status and comments (which, of course, worsened the situation).
This case is, of course, not the first case and may not be the last case when people venting their true thoughts, feelings, hatred, love, etc through this social network.
But I do not want to discuss about facebook, for sure. It's the status....the statements. If I were my friend, I would completely shiver reading the status and comments. It was just so bad...
I think nobody...not one...has the right to judge anybody 'mandul'... It's God thing, as far as I know.
Do you think if u can have children, then automatically u are considered successful in your marriage? having a perfect marriage?
I've seen parents who feel really proud of their children while at the same time they are treating those kids like properties. They make decisions without thinking about the effect for their kids. They can always say "My kids are fine. They are doing fine!"
I don't think that people who haven't got kids cannot play the role of parents, as well as people who have kids can be true parents.
Well, God knows...

This is it...

...the branch farewell. They asked me to give speech. This time, i've prepared myself better, so i made sure i wouldn't burst into tears. I said what i wanted and had to say. I almost couldn't handle my emotion when two of them read a poem for me. Fortunately, one of them wasn't good enough in reading poem. Instead of making me crying, he made me laugh with his intonation and wrong chunking... Thanks to you, Kang Kar... :)
Today, i was not as speechless as that day when we had farewell lunch. I got a poem (the one read by two of them) framed with my picture there, a batik pouch, and a pasmina (two things i actually plan to buy in the near future). I also got a jilbab from a friend who usually discusses things with me.
Abang didn't come. Meeting...what else? but, that's fine. He already said what he wanted to say during farewell lunch, i guess. My two female colleagues looked fine... thank God...

Thank you, all...for everything

farewell - limited edition

Some time ago, my boss called me. She said that she would like to hold a farewell lunch for me. She would invite my other boss and my colleagues for the lunch. I told her, she didn't have to do this since i would only move my office from branch to headquarters. I didn't quit. Anyway, I never like the idea of farewell party, whatsoever. But she said it's okay to have it. I accepted her idea.

Today is the day.
Since few days ago, we've already planned to have that lunch today. I tried to change my view of this lunch. Thinking that this is just like any other occasions when we would dine out together. We agreed to leave at 10, since some of my colleagues would have task late afternoon.
Along the way things were fun and fine. We chatted and laughed. We even took pictures in the car. Arriving at the restaurant, we found convenient position to sit. My boss asked one of my colleagues to open the talk.... "Geeeee, here it comes," my mind said. Each of them said things for me, starting from the serious one to the not-serious one. During the moment, I kept taking deep breaths, trying hard to hold the emotion as my hands kept tearing the tissue. They were laughing looking at what I was doing. Until it was my turn.
Speechless....
I completely made effort to say things word per word...
They laughed and said "We finally make you speechless"
My boss teased me, "If you were a practice teacher, you wouldn't pass the training"
They finally witnessed a talkative person like me being speechless... :p

more than words

There will be moments when words are not enough. You want to share with your (best) friends, but you just cannot find the right words to say it. You want to write, but you just don't know what to write. You even do not know what you have to pray for.
That's what happens to me lately.
Don't get me wrong...
I don't regret my decision. I accept what's before me now. I just can't help having this unknown-but-unpleasant feeling.
hormonal....well, that's possible. But, I'm not having my period...nor I'm going to have it days ahead.
woman....melancholic...well, maybe...
I don't even have the interest to go shopping. The thing i often do to escape.
Sometimes i want to just cut it off...but, at times i make effort to maintain the ties. What does actually i want? I am sometimes confused myself...
I was about to pack my stuff yesterday when they said that i don't need to pack yet since nobody's coming to replace me.
They plan an outing in the near future, and still count me in. On the other hand, they seem to prepare a big farewell...twice.
Actually, i may still see everybody...well, at least most of them, in the near future. But still...things are not the same anymore, and i think that's what makes me feel sad.

How can I not love you

Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together

Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other

Must be strong,
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share
Sweet and tender moments

Cannot feel
How we feel
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave,
And we must go on
Must not say,
What we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone
How can I not love you..

Must be brave,
And we must be strong
Cannot say,
What we've known all along.

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

How can I not love you..
When you are gone.....

by Joy Enriquez

It starts to hit me

"This is really a year of hardwork," statement i wrote in my mailbox status. Right... I have been so engrossed with all the work that i barely pay attention to anything else since the end of January. I even almost forgot that i (have to) move out from my current office. It is people around me (as well as the ones in other branches) asking me questions: "When will you move out?", "You are still here? I thought you've moved out?".
"April"... "Next term"...or just a smile....my answers. I answered those questions shortly. No specific feeling inside. Most of the time, I was busy thinking and doing the work before me. I guess even my parents started to think about my working hours, "What's actually your working time?", coz i often went early in the morning and came back at 9.30 p.m.
I witnessed people in my office start talking about the plan of my farewell without a single specific feeling. Even sometimes they forgot that i was there watching them discussing what to do for the farewell. I took it lightly. I haven't packed a single stuff of mine till now, FYI.
Living one day at a time....
Then...
one by one, those loads started to decrease...one by one, each work started to reach the end...until last Friday. Done...for the time being.
Then... i realized that it's only two weeks away from the date.
Suddenly i felt like a person just waking up from the sleep. I started to feel my surroundings and myself....
A pang in my heart... dunno exactly what hurt me...
the worst... I had a bad dream: a person i trusted was laughing over my sorrow...
*sigh*
I start to hate the idea of my office farewell. I start to have a bad mood towards the person in my dream. I start to hate my phones ringing. I start to feel reluctant to meet people i know.
Though i knew this kind of feeling might come as i am reaching the day of my moving. I hate it a lot...

mother yes be silent

The last time i was assigned out of town alone was just a year ago. It was fun. But going alone out of town for a job is never an easy start for me. The first and the second day were time to adapt and to adjust. I didn't expect much but having a smooth training. The third day was supposed to be the hardest subject. It turned out to be a session for me and them to get better acquainted. The fourth day was fun and relaxing. The fifth day was the most fun as the session was followed by having dinner together at Manggala food festival. I started speaking Javanese *wikikikiiiiiiiikkkkk*... though it was still broken Javanese. We ate a lot...starting from Hiu goreng tepung, udang tempura, cah kangkung, burger steak, sup iga bakar, bento komplit, nasi goreng, for the food.... and teh manis, es jeruk, iced chocolate, you name it... *hajaaaaarrrr* They came to my hotel room coz they were curious about Monika (especially Devi)...hihihiiiii.....
Unfortunately, some of them couldn't come on the last sessions since they had to teach. But it was no less fun, especially since the session was about songs and stories. They were all out... :) I should've recorded their performance...
Some of them accompanied me buying 'oleh-oleh' after the session.
The time that I will never forget was when I had to come back home. Almost all of them saw me off at the airport. They gave me a big teddy bear.
"To accompany Monika," they said....
For you, who have been assigned again and again out of town and meet enthusiastic participants who see you like a source of water in the middle of a dessert, this one is something usual....
For me, who once had a nightmare of being assigned alone...this one means a lot. After having a great time last year in Surabaya, this one confirms me that this kind of journey is always worth taking :)

PS
the title is broken English done by them...It's Javanese...
can you guess?

Not this time

it's been awhile since the last time she talked about her life to me. Yes, the time when she told me that my suggestions n opinion were actually for my own problem. Since then, i've been keeping distance from her private matters by not having intense communication anymore. Well, i still say hi... talk about the weather, movies, and other light stuff. Inevitably, i am also not open anymore with her about my personal life. Well, i learnwd from what's happened, for sure.
recently, she sometimes comes to my booth and 'observes' or comments on things. I try to repond normally though sometimes her comments make me wanna say "heeeee???"
Yesterday, the one she's been closing with asked me "what is it with her?"
I was surprised, "hee?? What's wrong? I think she's fine" Later i found that they are not talking to each other. Well, i don't wanna get involved (anymore), so i just keep busy with myself and other friends.
Few hours ago, i got her sms "The flash news u've been waiting for....ble-bla-bla..."
yes, the content was about them.
Well, i have decided to stay away from her personal life (at least for the time being)... Anyway...the news i've been waiting for????
Please deh...again-again me...emang gw presenter infotainment...
I didn't reply her sms...she might get upset later....
But.....sumpah...kapok d gue....

It happened, again

You asked me for my opinion. You called me to spill out your feelings and worries.
I listened to you. I gave you my opinion.
What I said might not be the things you wished to hear.
BUT, I told you things I had to say.
Yes, unfortunately not the things you wanted me to say.

Now?
you tell me that I didn't let you be yourself.
you tell me that what I said made you keep defending yourself.
You tell me that all my suggestions and my opinion were actually for MY OWN problem.

wait a minute....
I get confused...
so, now you tell me i'm the one who's having problem?

alright...
ok...
fine...
*speechless*

May our conviction lead us back together

Many years ago, I had a friend, a best friend. She was once my roommate as well as my classmate. We were also involved in the same organization. We shared many things together. We were friends, even sisters for almost ten years. We sometimes had arguments because of our different characters. Often we resolved quickly, sometimes not. But, no matter how hard the arguments were, we always managed to stay together, to keep our friendship. Sometimes i wondered what really made us stay friends. I got the answer... it was our conviction.

Until one day... one particular matter. It was about me...my life. Each time we came into this matter, we would get into different angles. Once...twice...I don't remember how many times we got into that matter and we would argue, until I decided "Enough is enough..."

Since then on, I haven't called her, nor visited her. I was so upset that i deleted her number from my cell-phone. She never called me either...let alone visited me.

Time passes by...now, it's been almost eight years (not really sure) since the last time i called her. I don't know where she lives now...the last time i knew she moved to another town.

Lately... and now... I remember her and our friendship long-long time ago...including what made us separated. One side of me says, she did that because she wanted to see me stop suffering, the other side of me says, she just didn't understand me. She used to be a person who could really convince me in times when i got confused of what i had to do or decide. She also often reminded me to stay 'on track'.

After many years passed...I have gone through times when i wasn't sure about things. But I don't know why now i wish she were here... I really wish she were here, right now...

I hope things are fine with her...
and I pray to God...may our conviction unite us back as friends and sisters...

What my horoscope says...

Actually, i do not believe in horoscopes. Yet, i am sometimes intrigued to read them. Especially when i feel i don't have anything else to read (alasan banget bukan?)
Oh, well...let's not argue about whether what the horoscopes tell will indeed come true or not. That doesn't matter.... (reaaaalllyyy????...heheheeeee)

Year 2010 Overview

Aquarius often gets pegged as being a little too cerebral for its own good. But the truth is, that's where you do your best work. The next year is going to give you the opportunity to use those sharp mental powers to focus on what it is you really want out of life. Two eclipses fall in your Twelfth House, which will bring out your intuitive side, and give you a chance to see your life from a less-strictly-logical (yet no less valid) perspective. The additional information they give you about your life and your position in it will be your big chance to put things in order.

Saturn is also going to be bringing big changes as to your philosophical approach to life. What fundamental approaches to life have worked for you, and what haven't? You may have never stopped to ask that question, or known the benefits of finding the right answer to it. This year, those answers will come, and your life is likely to be a saner, better-adjusted place for it.

Of course, it's impossible to have a well-ordered world around you without having a few other people in it. The middle part of the year will see close friends and partners coming and going in your life, more so than you've seen in a long time. In part, this will be a reflection of the changes going on in your "higher mind." And again, the overall effect should be a positive one. It's your worldview, Aquarius -- make it the best you can!

Honestly, i don't really understand the meaning of some terms mentioned. But, don't bother. I got the message anyway... :)