All by myself

I am experiencing what I had a year ago...what I had 10 years ago. History repeats itself (Harry Potter mode). When I wake up n when I go to bed, I feel weary inside. Only that this time I don't feel like sharing it with anybody... Not one. Though I know I do have friends willing to listen. It's not because I don't trust them. I just don't feel talking.
I do realize that there will be time in life when we have multiple problems. And we just don't have to ask why. They just happen to you that's it. U just cannot (or do not need) to question God for whatever happens to u. My dropping physical state is only one part but it is severe enough to drop my global self worth which in the end affects how I deal with things.
I wish I had.... with me. But dream on... I guess I'm just torturing myself to think that way. All I need to bear in mind that I must be able to face this alone (wasn't I also facing the similar saga alone a year or ten years ago?).
"Life is unfair," some people say. "We don't know the reason why things happen to us until sometime later," other people say. Well... Whatever... They just don't matter to me anymore. Time for quotation is over.
In my prayer at the moment, I ask God to guide me to be able to see His plan. So then I can understand why I have to experience this. And I hope it won't take long time coz it's extremely hard for me now to keep the belief that God knows what we need the most. Coz now I don't have what I think I need the most. And I never get used to this hardship, though I already went through similar ones before...
Oh God... I'm tired to deal with this all by myself.



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Great Pretender

So, u think u know me that well?
No, u do not. I'm just giving u what u want to see.
Actually I wanted to show u my true color. But time went by and I learned that u are too spoiled, too weak to have the courage to see the real thing. Then I think I should just give u what u want to see.
I thought u prefer the real me... You do not.
Well alright... If that's what u want from me...
So be it...


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I Want to Cut Clean You

I feel like leaving that place completely.
So I can cut clean you.
I am considering this
Again and again
You make me think of this option
Never other people around you, even the intimidating ones
I hope time will tell me soon
soon enough to make a final decision

My second visit to Solo

I was so excited when I got the chance to visit Solo again. My first experience about two years ago that makes me excited. I like the place as well as the food.. Though I was not sure if I would have the chance to go sightseeing or eat the Solo delicacies, I was still excited about coming to this small town.
My coming this time is actually for work, but a friiend of mine asked me to prolong my stay since she wanted to travel to Solo too. I agreed. This was good, so I could completely concentrate on the training first.
She came on the last day of the training. She was ready with a list of Solo culinary places. We used becak to go here and there. Starting from nasi liwet, sate buntel, gule sumsum, kikil bakar, soto triwindu, Solo snacks like surabi, lumpia, Solo drinks like dongoo, asle, es beras kencur, degan... U name it. Still we had some items left.
The last day we decided to visit Triwindu flea market and keraton. We found unique items and bought somne in that flea market. Next, we went to keraton kesunanan. Initially I wanted to go to keraton mangkunegaran not to keraton kesunanan. But the becak driver told us there's nothing really special in the keraton mangkunegaran compare to keraton kesunanan. Alright then we chose the second one. Even though I've been there before, I didn't eplore the place much in my first visit. This time I went to every single room there. I even stepped on the main keraton area. We are not allowed to wear sandals there. Either wearing shoes or be barefooted. An abdi dalem approached us asking 'light questions' about us. He started to talk about the tower-like building where the kings usually meditated. First, my friend and I thought he was doing something like any othe tour guides do. But as the conversation went on, we found he was not just telling the history. It turned out to be an interesting conversation between us about the hsitory of the Javanese kingdoms, his devotion for the keraton and the royal family, his insight on what happened to the kingdoms, as well as the present condition of the royal family. He enthusiastically answered our questions with his comprehensive knowledge about the Javanese history. It was already an hour when we realized that we hadn't had our lunch and had to catch up our flights. We wished we had had more time since pak Danarso (his name) was also eager to tell us more. We then had quick lunch, rushed back to the hotel, and went to the airport by the hotel car.
I think our experience in the keraton was the pinnacle of our visit to Solo :)
Solo is another nice place I visit. I always want to go back there.


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