my eyes, my reflection...?

Yesterday i took this quiz on facebook:

Wind took the What do Your Eyes Say About You? quiz and the result is Boldness.

When people look into your eyes, they can see that you're an energetic, happy, and cheerful person. You're outgoing and fun, and love to make new friends. You're not afraid to speak your mind, and you never stop laughing! People realize that you're a bouncy, loud person, that can sometimes be abnoxious, just by looking into your eyes. They can see that you're a unique, stylish, and one-of-a-kind individual. You're independent, and you don't let anybody get in your way.


I do not really believe in online quizzes. I take 'em for fun. But this quiz result is superficially accurate in telling about me through my eyes. These are exactly what people usually say about me.
I like it...heheeeee

What it takes to be nosy

Lately, I have been exposed by a friend's stories, about people around her. She can talk for hours when venting what she has in mind about those people. Apparently, the things she talks are more on her dissatisfaction about them. And apparently, I know some of them. Though I disagree to some parts of her stories, I have been trying to be a good listener by refraining myself from venting my disagreement. Maybe she just needs someone to listen to her right now. She is a nice person, actually. Only lately, maybe, she's not in the right state to be nice...I guess.
Sometimes, if She starts to become judgemental or cynical (or even bitter), I would cut in to stop her. However, I never thought that her 'stories' will go far... so far that she even evaluates people who do not have anything to do with her, but have things to do with me.

As far as i remember, i never asked for her opinion about these people under my responsibility. And honestly, i don't understand why she would like to talk about these people and judge them this and that. What is it with her?

I've tried to 'softly' remind her that it's not her domain to evaluate these people. She sometimes starts to be aware when my speech tone raised.

I am wondering what is actually happening to her. Coz one person she has been dissatisfied about (and apparently someone i know) came to me and told me that she's been treating her not nicely and her mood is not as usual.
Though I start to feel irritated by her being nosy, I hope she will get back to normal soon.

Perih...itu rasanya

Seperti disilet-silet...ditetesin jeruk nipis...silakan bayangin. Kalo mo nyoba juga terserah. Tapi honestly aku juga blom pernah sih kena luka silet trus ditetesin jeruk nipis kaya apa perihnya...
(koq jadi bahas silet?)

Eh tapi bener...perih...periiiiihhhh banget. Pengen teriak aja rasanya. Sakiiiiittttt....sakit tauuuukkk... Kaya judul lagu band ABG 'Vierra' itu (meskipun aku ga tau sih itu lagu cerita tentang apa). Saking perihnya, sampe ga bisa mikir. Blank.

Jauh...jauuuuh di sudut hati paling dalam sepertinya aku mendengar suara "Gue bilang juga apeeee...." Bahasa Inggrisnya, "I told youuuu..."
Koq waktu itu aku berani ya? Apa mungkin waaktu itu aku ga pernah nyangka perihnya sampe perih banget kali ya? Ah nggak juga sih... Tau lah...

Yang pasti sumpah deh perih banget...tapi aku gak menyesal...gak mau...gak mungkin. Sebagai orang dewasa (halah gaya...) aku harus bersedia menerima apapun kelanjutan dari proses yang sudah terjadi. Seiring waktu berjalan, dan dia sampai di titik persimpangan, pilihannya kan cuma dua memang...enak-nggak enak, perih-nggak perih, menyenangkan-gak menyenangkan, dst.

Jadi inget kata-kata temen..."Be thankful when you feel the hurt, it means you are alive"hmmm...ya, Alhamdulillah aku masih 'hidup' Jadi inget juga kata-kata Kahlil Gibran (alamaaaakkk) di bukunya 'Sang Nabi'
hmmmm....lupa sih tepatnya kata-katanya gimana tapi pokoknya maksudnya gini...semakin dalam seseorang merasakan perih, itu menunjukkan sedalam itu juga seseorang bisa merasakan bahagia. Seperti cawan, semakin dalam lekukannya, semakin banyak air yang bisa dia tampung.
Hiyyyaaaaaa....bikin kata-kata kiasan sih gampaaaang...ngalaminnya tuuuhhh...

satu hal yang membuat aku agak merasa berkurang perihnya (berarti tetep perih tuh), karena aku gak menyesal. Mencoba menerima apapun yang terjadi, membuat aku nggak kehilangan kendali. Meskipun kadang ingin juga bertanya kepada Allah. Kenapa sekarang? Apakah akan sama jadinya kalau ini terjadi bertahun-tahun yang lalu?

Aku punya keyakinan Allah tidak pernah zhalim kepada hambaNya. Dua tanganku kugenggam erat...keras malah. Seperti mencoba menggenggam erat keyakinan itu. Allah pasti punya rencana, yang aku blum tau apa.
Aku berdoa....Berdoa apa saja dari apa yang aku rasa. Karena memang cuma itu yang aku bisa. Kalau dalam situasi kaya gini, terasa banget kalau hidup ini ada dalam genggamanNya.

Kalau ditanya apa yang aku mau...aku tahu. dan jujur, doa itu juga yang aku panjatkan. Meskipun kadang2 sampe gak berani berdoa...entah kenapa. Tapi bagaimana realisasinya...pasti Allah yang lebih tahu... Aku? pasrah...sambil terus berusaha menggenggam keyakinan: 'Allah tidak pernah zhalim pada hambaNya'

I took this from the book

'We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same Hnad.'

- Paulo Coelho -

it's uncommon...yes, so what?

what's so wrong about talking with dolls? if it's considered not common or even weird for a person at my age...so what? Aren't we all, human beings, sometimes doing uncommon or weird things. Anyway, whether something is considered common or not common, weird or not weird, it's just a matter of social convention, habit, culture, human perspective, people's opinion, whatsoever... Should we always follow mainstream?
When it comes to mainstream or uncommon thing, talking with dolls is only one example...for sure. And when it comes to me...I feel like I'm prone to uncommon situations with uncommon perspective of mine, uncommon habits...uncommon choices, uncommon decisions...and so on.
I feel like everything (or maybe many things, if everything seems exaggerating) about me is not common. And I feel like showing to people that I don't care about what they would think about me...I don't care...I just don't care...
If you tell me that this may be a defense mechanism...
again... I do not care...

I will be just fine

It's been so many years i haven't been in a very uncomfortable situation when I felt so confused with so many unaswered questions in my head. So uncomfortable that what I could do was only crying and crying. I didn't even know exactly what serious matter I was worried or confused about. Hormonal effect? well...maybe...indeed, I was having my period...That was what my logic said. However, my heart said something was not going right...I knew it...I just knew.

Honestly, i don't believe in sixth sense, meaning of dream, whatsoever...though I do believe in my intuition. I was tortured by all the questions in my head. I needed answers but I just couldn't get them. I was kind of being led to situation once I went through in the past where I almost lost control of my life. I sobbed... I didn't want to go back to that situation anymore...never...

Thank God...it didn't last long. I eventually got the answers. Though the answers actually confirmed my hunch, I still do not want to believe in what people call as sixth sense. Though I know now that chemistry exists and my intuition is right.

Since then, thisngs are not the same anymore. Apparently, the reality is not on my favor. Well...i get used to it.
This is the first weekend since change took place. It's not enjoyable...not at all...but i need to tell myself, I will be just fine....just fine...

a logical question of hers

Last night I got a surprising question from my niece. She asked why I haven't got a boyfriend...
"Twind, why haven't you got a boyfriend?"
"why do you suddenly ask that question?"
Honestly, the thing that made me surprised was not the question, but more on what intrigued her to ask me the question.
My mom who also heard my niece was quite panicked.
Then, calmly as she was playing the gameboy, she said
"Ayah is Twind's younger brother, but ayah has already got ibu. Why Twind hasn't got boyfriend? Twind should have a boyfriend now"
I laughed silently and said, "It's not the time yet for you to talk about boyfriend. You will understandwhen you grow up"
She didn't argue nor think about my answer. Instead, she kept being busy with her gameboy.
What a very logical question of hers...

Javanese Pizza

I love pizza...whether it's italian, american, or javanese pizza.
Do you know javanese pizza? you don't?
Well, the basic ingredient is tempe... it's covered with flour, fried half-done...
:) LOL...yes, it's mendoan...that's the name actually. But it's just like a pizza to me...thin slice, soft but crispy...and the way you eat it just like when you eat a pizza...heheheeee...

Each time I go back hometown, I won't miss eating this javanese pizza. Even though I can easily find one here, but the one from my hometown is just different. The difference is...first, the size. It's just so wide that you need to divide it into two or four before eating (just like pizza, right?). Second, it just can maintain its softness inside and crispiness outside...and less oily. I have been tasting it ever since it only cost me 300 rups per slice (and we usually buy it per 5 or 10 slices), until now it's 2000 rups per slice. Wow!! now I need to spend at least 20 thousand rups to buy tempe...it's just like buying one package of KFC meal...hahahaaa. But, doesn't matter. It shoes that I'm a true javanese (loh??? apa iya??? wkwkwk)
For me and my family, eating a slice of mendoan is never enough. At leat 2 full slices for each person.

I love pizza...no matter where it comes from :)

Eid Mubarak

unsaid, understood

Some things are better left unsaid, they are just to be understood. And what would you do if you don't feel like saying anything but need to understand things?
For me, one of the ways is to go someplace and be off all online messengers, so I don't need to have a two-way communication with anybody for the time being and let me be with myself.
However, I won't leave them undone...

Annoying cough

During this Ramadhan, I've been having annoyingly unpredictable cough. I call it unpredictable coz I really don't know what triggers it. Anything seems to be a possible trigger: smoke, dust, cold, fried food...not really sure which triggers the most. But once I get coughed, it's really hard to make it stop. It wouldn't stop until I feel like throwing up. I guess I'm gonna declare it as my most enemy at the moment. I hate it.

Who is she?

few days ago, I got a friend request on my facebook account. Whne I read the name, I felt familiar with the name, but i just couldn't recall anything. I saw that there are several mutual friends. I checked those names and I found my high school friends and some names familiar to me when i was in high school. Well, she (yes, it's a SHE) must be one of my high school friends, but i'm quite sure she wasn't my classmate, coz if she was, she must be on the list of my high school classmates in one of my mailboxes. After reading those mutual friends, I still couldn't recall anything about this person. I opened her facebook page, no profile picture of her but a cartoon that informs nothing about her visually. I read her profile...Gosh! we didn't only go to the same high school, we also went to the same university long time ago....Gee, I must have known her quite well, coz I remember that i was mostly hanging around with my high school friends during the first year of my college life...But still...I couldn't recall her face...What a lousy friend I am...
Then I just confirmed her friend request...
Hopefully i gain back my memory about her soon. Honestly, i don't dare asking...

monica's new friend: Pengu

Hey-hey Monica's got a new friend....She is Pengu. Look at them, they get along well together...though they are supposed to live in different world :)


note:
Having and playing with dolls is my pastime habit that remains till now. No matter how old i am, it's really soothing to come home and see those dolls smiling at me...hahaaaaa
sound nuts huh?
doesn't matter...i don't care...heheeee

two smiling creatures in my bedroom

They are snoopy and monica =)
btw, I just declared August 13 as monica's birthday. It's the day I got her with me.

Monica

I finally got the monkey doll. Even though it doesn't really similar to the mascot of TEYL Cambridge, this one really has a funny face. I like it =)

Oh God, what sickness do I have here?

Cough and cold have been coming off and on to me for the past few weeks ( I think it's even more than a month). Last Sunday, the cough reached its toll. I didn't know exactly what the trigger was, but it was so bad that i couldn't even get up on Monday morning for the meeting at the office. I even got fever Monday night.

I pushed myself to come to Tuesday training since it is compulsory and went to the doctor afterward. Sore throat was the doctor's diagnosis. She gave me some antibiotics and cough pills. Three days passed, i have taken all those pills. My cough was still there. I didn't even get better. The worst is.... the night I didn't take the antibiotics anymore, I couldn't sleep coz I coughed the whole night. Oh my God... Thoough I didn't get fever nor cold, but it was enough to make me feel so exhausted Saturday morning.

I went to another doctor yesterday. It so happened that i went to the clinic where i often visited a long time ago since it was only next to my office. The doctor read my medical record and said that It seems I get cough quite often and it usually occurs at night. I didn't realize that before. He said he couldn't prescribe me another antibiotics since I just finish with one.
He happened to ask if my family has a history on asthma. I said no. He suspected that there is a possibility that i got asthma, though he is not really sure.
Then he prescribed me some medicine for asthma. He warned me to pay attention to the first reaction. If it worked well, I could continue. He also asked me to come back on monday or tuesday to know the result.

Since yesterday I have been taking this medicine. Though I don't cough as hard as i did before, and i can breathe well, the cough is still there. Besides, there is something funny, each time I drink the asthma syrup, I will feel that i'm boneless and want to sleep all the time...
even though sometimes i feel like coughing, it's juat hard to wake up.

At the moment, my throat is still itchy off and on. I plan to come back to the doctor tomorrow or the next day...
Oh God...this is tiring...
And I'm still not sure what really makes me cough this bad.....am i having sore throat? asthma? or what?

RESIGNATION

A friend of mine is resigning from our institution.
I got this news from D few days ago.
It shocked me.
no signs...no clues...
no complaints...
Well, i mean...usually you can predict if someone plans to resign from his/her job when he/she sometimes or often complains about his/her job.
I never heard such thing from him...
Well, yes... first, maybe because I am not working in the same department with him. Second, he is indeed quiet...(banyak omong nya cuma di kaset or CD)
I was really surprised...though I could guess the reason why...
Two days ago i happened to have him online. I asked him about the news. He told me where he's going and the reasons.
Honestly...i was really uneasy to get this news. It's not because we're going to lose contact or something. It's about me....
Why am I staying?
Can I do what he is doing now?
Should I ? or shouldn't I?
Can this institution still be the place where I could realize the dreams of my professional life?
or at least accommodate my self-actualization needs?
So many questions in my head...

And at the moment, I know exactly that at least two more friends of mine are considering doing the same thing...
Though i don't know yet their decision...I'm wondering...



P.S.
"wish you success om...
keep in touch!"

I am thankful that I'm a woman

There are times when you have to face a certain course of life and find it hard to deal with coz you cannot do anything about it. But still, you need to express what you feel inside, otherwise you will go insane or at least off control.
For me, i would cry as hard as I can...until my eyesight is blurred, until i'm tired and falls asleep.
As far as I know, this usually goes to women...maybe not all...well, i guess most women do...or at least women like me...
I'm thankful I still can cry...
I'm thankful that I'm a woman
(not really sure which one should come first)

My Friday off

Starting this month, I am free from office every friday. This is actually part of my negotiation with my boss last term. It's been two Fridays so far, and I think I start to really enjoy my being away from office's hustle and bustle on that day, even though as the consequence, I have to work full day on Saturday.

Last week, my first friday off, I went to the mall with my nephew to watch movies. Since he was having his school holiday, I took him to the mall with me. It's been ages since the last time I took my nephew somewhere with me only. However, we ended up canceling our plan to watch Transformers: revenge of the fallen, since the cinema was full already. There were only two rows at the front left for us to choose, and Farhan didn't want to take it. So, we just browsed around the bookstore, bought some books for him, and my nieces and a dozen donuts for everybody at home. Though I happened to get snappy by the call from office asking about timetable and things, it still couldn't scratch my day off.

Yesterday, I even had a better friday off. I woke up late and had my morning coffee as I watched Dahsyat on TV. It was really nice to find myself thinking that I don't have to go to the office that day. I got myself online after washing my hair and cleaning up everything. The internet line was quite troublesome but I managed to chat for awhile. The most fun moment was in the afternoon. I went to the swimming pool nearby to accompany my nephew and nieces swimming. Starting this week, Farhan is having his swimming lesson every Tuesday and Friday. The weather was cool at 4 pm yesterday. Unfortunately I was having my period so I couldn't join them. but I plan to swim with them again next Friday.
Today, I even aleardy have plan for my next friday off. Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince will be released worlwide this coming July 15, and I think it's just a good idea to spend my next friday afternoon watching my hero. After that, I could go to the swimming pool with my nephew and nieces.
Doesn't that sound good?

crossover

I really don't like when people take me for granted. At the moment, I feel that I have been taken for granted by someone. And it is not the first time...it's the second time. I wonder if this is about me or about her, so she can easily crossover me. I start to question myself if there is something in me that makes people easily take me for granted or it is, indeed, her personality.
Well, you can say that i am exaggerating, whatsoever, but that is exactly how i feel now.
The worst is, I don't know whether it is my weakness or there is something in her that makes me so...until now I cannot express it to her that I don't like her treating me that way.

Last night, a friend of mine told me that I have been playing angelic so many times to some people, that's why they then have the idea that whatever they do to me I will feel alright. She told me that once in a while I need to just express it openly if I don't feel okay about the way they treat me.
Well, I'm not trying to defend myself, but actually I already have done what she suggested. Though I admit that mostly I express my objection jokingly or implicitly. My friend said that it was not enough, coz reality speaks that these people (in this case is her) just do not get it. They didn't think that I actually really meant it. She said that I need to state it clearly in such a way so that they understand that I AM serious.
Another possibility, she said, these people indeed get what I mean but they just know exactly that I'm not going to let things go wrong as long as I have the capability to secure things. They know it and that's why even though they feel my objection they still think that in the end I will be okay.

Maybe what my friend said is right. I guess this is one of my weaknesses. That's why lately I've been thinking of having a new work environment...thinking that maybe things will go much lighter in a new environment with people other than the ones I meet daily now...
I don't know...

How did it go?

What do you mean by 'it'?
Alright, let's talk about it one by one...

number 1
it refers to my presentation
rating= ***** (extremely important)
Thank God...it went well despite my 'sexy voice' because of continuous coughing I had. But yes, it went well. Though, honestly, having 35 minutes to deliver the result of my CAR was, indeed, not enough...heheeeee....
There were three presenters in the room supposing to present, and I was the third. The first two presenters even finished their presentation before reaching 35'...unlikely me ;p
tukang kecap juga ye gueeeee....
however, the facilitator still displayed enthusiastic face till the end o my presentation. I guess, i didn't exceed too much, heheeee...

number 2
it refers to meeting my prof
rating = **** (important)
it was`great :) It's been so many months I haven't seen her. Even though it was only few minutes, I was happy that I could see her again there.

number 3
it refers to the plenary sessions
rating= **** (important)
What do you expect?
It started at two pm. All participants just arrived from Jakarta and had their lunch. It was completely a great great effort to stay awake and listen attentively to presenters delivering theories and practice of conducting action research...GOSH!!!

number 4
it refers to shopping
rating= *** (important lah)
how come? it is just an 'important lah'?
Well, I have been to Jogja, especially malioboro several times, and the last was only few months ago. So, I wasn't too excited about the idea of doing a shopping spree at Malioboro.
It was okay... at least I enjoyed watching my friends enthusiastically buying all the things exist there =)

number 5
it refers to photo sessions
rating = ***** (extremely important)
It was GREAT!!!!...
I wouldn't miss every single moment for this one...heheeeee

All in all...going out of town for vacation and for the sake of job is completely different.
I cannot say that it wasn't fun, but i cannot say that it gave me enlightenment either...
However, at least I had a good time there with friends =)

Empat hari lagi

Empat hari lagi nih....
emang ada apa?
ke Jogja gue...
apaaaa???? ke Jogja? asik duonk!... liburan?
tentu tidak!
training?
bukan....
nyekar?
lebih bukan lagi...gue kan kaga punya sodara di jogja...
abis ngapain duonk?
colloquium...
apaaa??? collak pisang?
cape de...gue presentasi!
hoooo....bilang duonk dari tadi....trus kenapa? stress?
nggak....
blom nyiapin?
emang....
Yah itu sih lo banget...dasar procrastinator
bodo...
tumben? biasanya semangat kalo mo jalan ke luar kota?
not this time...
kenapa?
singkat padat cepat tepat cerdas cermat
emang acaranya berapa hari?
dua hari
trus lo disana berapa hari?
ya dua hari!
Loh? emang berangkat sama pulangnya kapan?
Ya dua hari itu juga....
Loh? emang gak capek? emang bisa konsen? gak jetlag?
Nah itu dia!... makanya gue males nih
Tapi kalo lo presentasi kebagian hari pertama, hari kedua bisa santai toh?
Nah! justru itu...presentasi gue tuh hari kedua...sesi terakhir!
hooooo...gitu ya....
hmmm.....
gue boleh ngomong sesuatu?
apaan?
KASIAN DE LOOOOOO.....
Bagussssss.....

Kena semprot

Gue kena semprot gara-gara salah satu posting di blog tercinta gue ini...
bla-bla-bla.....begini...begitu....
jyaaaaahhhh...rada-rada nyesel juga nih jadinya ngasih link blog gue ke dia...heheeee...
tapi ga napa lah...
maklum...lagi stress kali....ckakakaaaaakkk..
tapi gue hargai protesnya itu...
meskipun...pengen nampol juga sih...wakakaaaaaaakkk....
siapa suruh usil buka-buka posting yang lain....
lagian ini kan blog gue bukan?...kekekeeeeekkkk...membela diri dong gue....
bodo ah...
ntar juga baek ndiri...hihihiiiii

I took that challenge

Kemarin gue memutuskan untuk mengambil tantangan itu...
gara-gara si Je...(loh???)
sumpah...gue masih takut...
tapi gue rasa gue harus melakukannya saat ini. Tepatnya membutuhkan itu...

sigh....

Help me God

bitter week

This week has been one of the hardest weeks for me
first, some of my colleagues were absent for the reason of domestic problems. Work load has never gone lighter each day. I wonder whether I am prone to job assignment and responsibilities. I have a magnet inside me that makes those assignments and responsibilities keep coming to me instead of to my colleagues. I wonder if I set too high standard so that i get irritated when people around me working casually.

second, my most reliable partner is assigned out of town this week. Actually, this is not the first time that i have to work without her, but i don't know why it feels harder this time. I think despite of all the differences between me and her in handling work, she is the one i can rely on most compare to the others. Her absence makes situation harder for me.

third, I was irritated by an act of selfishness by someone at the office. I felt like slapping someone's face that day. It really drained the emotional bank account in me.

fourth, it turned out that letting go grudge and feeling of offense I have been having lately is completely a hard thing to do. Maybe it won't be that hard if i don't have to see her everyday. I don't remember the last time I feel like saying 'I wish you disappeared' to a person. It did occur two days ago.

fifth, the plan to have another fun friday with my old buddies was canceled since one of them was sick. I miss them a lot.

Today (and for tomorrow) I really wish for a peaceful weekend. I hope I can just delete all bitterness, disappoinments, and anger I had during last weekdays by enjoying myself and believing that i do have a full control of my life, personally and professionally.

Saat dia tak ada

Keberartian seseorang semakin terasa
Saat ia sudah tidak bersama
Jika segala ingatan akan dia
canda tawa
kebahagiaan
kesulitan
pertengkaran
senyuman
tangis
menjadi semakin nyata tergambar
saat sunyi terasa menggigit
dunia menjadi sangat dingin
maka berbahagialah
karena itu pertanda
bahwa masa yang terlewati saat masih bersama
bukanlah masa yang sia-sia


for a friend who just lost the loved one
"you are allowed to be sad,
but not to mourn"

fun friday

Udah beberapa minggu terakhir ini, hari jumat bukanlah hari menyenangkan buat gue. Kalo orang lain akan berseru TGIF!!! (Thank God It's Friday) di hari jumat, itu gak berlaku buat gue. especially...hmmm...tiga or empat minggu belakangan. Yang jelas dua jumat terakhir, berturut-turut gue harus kerja lembur ngegantiin temen yang ga bisa masuk. Sekitar tiga minggu lalu (yang hari sabtunya libur itu kalo gak salah) daku terkapar tak berdaya...flu berat...berat banget... Maka jadilah long weekend yang semestinya menyenangkan jadi ngebetein. Teman setia ku waktu itu hanyalah my lovely W960i yang gue pake buat mobile facebooking sepanjang weekend. Hari jumat juga biasanya (udah lama sih) menjadi hari pilihan untuk suatu meeting yang sangat bikin bete (the you-know-what meeting with you-know-who person). Pokoke, in conclusion friday seems to be 'not my day'

Akan tetapi, kayanya jumat kemarin ini adalah pengecualian. Gue ada undangan acara di luar kantor. Seharian. So, otomatis gue ga dateng ke kantor and ketemu orang2 yang tiap hari gue temui. Sebenernya sih acara hari itu biasa2 aja...gak spektakuler banget. fun sih... tapi ga tau kenapa gue tuh seneng banget. Dari pagi sampe acara itu selesai and gue balik (mampir bentar ke kantor), semua berjalan lancar...

Dari semua kelancaran dan keceriaan hati gue di hari Jumat itu... ada satu hal yang melengkapi semua itu. Mo tau apa?
Finally, gue menemukan orang yang ngendon di restroom sama lamanya kaya gue....(bahkan kayanya dia lebih lama deh). Hah! gue kan ngetop banget dengan kebetahan gue berlama-lama di kamar mandi or restroom. Kadang2 tengsin juga sih...tapi mo gimana dong...udah dari sononya gitu. Gue udah usaha mempersingkat...tapi tetep aja lebih lama dari standar umum. Ya udah, cuek aja kalo gitu.
Nah...jumat yang baru kemarin leawat ini, gue menemukan 'soulmate' untuk berlama-lama di restroom...wakakakakaaaakkk...
I am not alone now...
Yaaaaa...meskipun kantor kita berbeda..kaga napa deh...
yang penting gue gak sendiri lagi sekarang...menjadi orang yang betah berlama-lama di kamar mandi..wakakakaaaakkk...

that email

Few days ago, I got an email from a colleague. It was an article (or a story?) of finding mate. There was a single woman praying to God for a husband. She told God what kind of husband she would like to have. Her prayer was to no avail, and so on… and so on….

For short, at the end of the article, there were a few sentences considered to be the wisdom of the story. The advice more or less was like this:

Instead of being busy praying for a ‘perfect’ mate, we should just be busy making ourselves perfect. If we do so, then eventually we would find that perfect mate. And it’s not having the ‘perfect mate’ which is the issue of finding mate, but how we make ourselves and our mate perfect.

Maybe I was (am) too sensitive or what. Honestly, I felt offended.

FYI, that email was sent only for me, not for multiple recipients..

“for wind” … that was the message (the article was an attachment).

I felt like shouting at her and spilling things out:

“What do you know about living single at my age? Why don’t you just mind your own damn business…”

But of course I didn’t do it. I just read and deleted the article right after that.

Right after reading that article, I was kind of trying to tell myself that she didn’t mean to offend me at all. Maybe she got that article from someone or found it somewhere and that article reminded her of me since I was the only one who is still single at the moment.

It just so happened that she then forwarded that article without thinking too much on what I would feel if I read that kind of article.

FYI, I never told her a thing about my private life, past or present. She didn’t even know me during the time I was experiencing the hardest time in my life. I have never asked for her opinion about my private matters. And the most important thing, I never ever mind her private matters as well… and now?

Well, maybe along my interaction with her I really looked like an easy going person. And this makes her feel comfortable enough to tell me anything she likes.

I don’t deal with other people’s private lives unless they tell me or ask for my opinion. Not because I don’t care. It’s more that I don’t want to trespass the line…

For me, everybody needs respect. And respecting other people’s private matters is something crucial.

Well, maybe she doesn’t know that.. or maybe she just doesn’t value that the way I do.

Now, I’m trying to just let go this feeling of offense each time I meet her.

Keep telling myself that she never meant to offend me with that article…

(sigh)

click...click...??? one is missing

being sick staying at home the whole day made me bored. As always, either my cell-phone or my choosy laptop would be the source of the entertainment. facebooking the whole day...wakakakaaakkk. But of course, having mobile facebooking was much more handy than PC facebooking. However, in the evening i started to get worried of my cell-phone credit...hahahaaaaa
So I went to my lovely choosy laptop and started getting online.
Browsing here and there as I commented on people's status on my facebook page.
Since day by day I have more and more facebook friends, I felt the need to manage my privacy settings. Then I started to click here and there.....until....
"Someone's is missing...."
Somebody removed me from friendlist...
????
click....click....
hmmmm....
not retrieved thorugh search engine either...
quite weird...
hmmm...????
well...don't bother...
I will keep facebooking anyway...

an episode

Diane: we met this morning...it's been ages. It was wonderful
Nuriko: really? I hope it wasn't because of me...
Diane: No. I had something to do there and we met
Nuriko: so, does he still....?
Diane: YES! (smile on her face) Unfortunately we couldn't stay long... but that's okay
Nuriko: how do you know? did he say that?
Diane: (smile again) he is an expressive person, and I become like him.
Nuriko: I wish...
Diane: (still with her smile) take it easy... see ya. Happy missing!
Nuriko: bye...

Letting flow

I let things flow
I keep them only for myself
and
I'm doing fine

time will tell
and I'll find the answer

at the moment
just feel the morning breeze
at sunflower hill
smile while you can
cry if you need to
life goes on

My one-thousand-piece Snoopy puzzles

I love arranging picture puzzles, especially if accompanied with Mozart, plus a glass of orange juice and some snacks. I could stay for hours to finish the puzzles. By the way, I can only be challenged if it is more than 500 pieces... fewer than that is not challenging for me...heheheeeeee

My friend suggested that I do this few years ago while I was having one of my hardest time. It worked. And now, I have been addicted to arranging puzzles... especially Snoopy..
At the moment I still have another one-thousand-piece Snoopy puzzles... However... it seems that at the moment I don't need to 'get away' from my 'real' world so I haven't finished it yet =p

This is my lovely Snoopy puzzles, which will always remind me how strong I have been. It's a proof that I can always overcome all problems as long as I have the will to survive..

You are my friend, coz you make me laugh

I have a friend, we sometimes chat online or text each other. We can chat for hours talking about many things. He always sounds happy, excited, delighted (whatsoever) each time we converse.

Once I asked why he always sounded happy. He said, “because you make me laugh..”

As time went by, I think he started to know me better since I did share some of my life stories which I shared only with my inner circle.

I don’t know what exactly make him feel so delighted with things I said. As far as I remember, We didn’t only talk about light matters. When I shared my past stories, I guess it was completely something serious and heavy…though already past. But indeed sometimes I made fun of my own life stories. Maybe that’s the thing that made the topic light. Until our last conversation…

I have to admit that during our last conversation, I was completely not in the state of being light. Well, you know me… the NT. Actually I would rather listen to his talk than have me doing the talk coz I knew if I dominated the talk, the conversation would become so heavy…

In fact, I often paused… He could sense that I was not as usual.

Then… yes… the talk was led to a heavy topic… It was about what had been hanging in my head for quite some time. I guess he just couldn’t handle that ‘serious’ topic…

The talk was ended because my line was disconnected.

I sent offline message telling that the line was suddenly disconnected.

The next day I didn’t find him online.

Surprisingly, I later found out that he was actually online appearing offline…

I sent him message which I exactly knew he would read that moment. Instead, no reply… (including the offline message on the previous day)

I didn’t want to think much, though curious.

Several days later, I happened to have a chance to confront my curiosity. I asked him whether he read my offline messages… I also jokingly said that he didn’t want me to know that he was online that night.

To my surprise… he responded by giving me answer that I knew exactly was not true.

Then I started to wonder….

What did I say? What did I do?

Was it because during the last time we talked I didn’t make him laugh? Or what?

Lesson I learned:

Some people want to be your friend because you make them happy. They want to see only the cheerful part of you, because it will lighten their life too.

In short…

You are my friend, coz you make me laugh…

On the contrary… If you don’t… you are….NOT

Honestly… I don’t want to think that he is that kind of friend…

But if he is… I think I just need to accept that.

I changed my mind

Talking to a friend indeed has given a great impact on me. I feel so much better about myself and I think I have gained composure to face what lies ahead. That’s why I decided to come back facebooking.
Actually today was only the 6th day of the ten-day off-facebooking plan. However, I didn’t see the need to prolong it anymore.
I did open my facebook account this morning. I was right. Things turned out just fine….

At least for the time being…

plan in progress

it turned that stop facebooking is much easier than trying to focus on my inner call. I'm reading Daniel Goleman's book on Social Intelligence. I really need to concentrate on my brain's low road and high road to be able to see the truth to make the right decision. And this is exactly not an easy thing. I think I'm carried away at times. I just was. And I kind of thinking whether i just have to let things flow. My friend who once experienced this told me that I'd better not push myself too hard. She said that actually I am already aware of what to do, what to choose, and I don't need to worry too much on things coz subconsciously I am already ready for all the consequences. She also said, at my stage now, I just need to be tough and under control. She said I'm doing okay so far.

I feel much relieved after talking to her. I think she's the only one who would really have the empathy of what I'm going through. Gosh!
Weekend is coming.... I hope things are going to be just fine..
Yes, I guess things will turn out fine as long as I keep my plan not to open my facebook account. Though other ways may ruin things.
Honestly I'm shaking at the moment coz it's really hard not to care on attitude and gestures while you just can't avoid witnessing them. And, goodness... i don't have a single idea why the attitude and gestures seem to go against me?
See? I care too much. That's what I hate from myself, sometimes.
Now I feel like slapping someone's face
Geeee... Wind, stay cool

However, I'm sure I can go through this...
I am a mature angel, aren't I? =)
even if things should be broken, I am skillful enough to mend broken pieces, aren't I?
not trying to be too confident, but I'm aware that this is my choice.

His name is also effort

Trainee A: can i have the softcopy of your slides and video files of your presentation yesterday?
trainer : yes, but I don't bring the CD today
trainee A: it's okay. I can take it myself if needed. I can go to your place to take it (bluntly)
trainer : (smiling...speechless)
trainee B (sitting next to trainee A): (glaring at trainee A... then smiling politely at the trainer) Yah, namanya juga usaha ma'am...
trainee A: his name is also effort
trainer : ????? excuse me?
trainee B: namanya juga usaha...his name is also effort...
trainer : goodness... (laughing)

Me, myself, and my inner world

Sometimes you need to put something or someone to a test. That’s what I’m doing now. I put myself to a test. I just decided to freeze myself from the effect of my outer world and live under what my inner world recommends me. That’s why I stop facebooking.

Don’t laugh. This is serious. You know that I’m a person who will check my facebook account almost every hour and update my facebook status three or four times a day. I enjoy facebooking so much lately, and I had never had a single idea to stop facebooking coz I didn’t see one good reason why I had to stop facebooking. Until two days ago….

Honestly, the reason is not the facebook itself. It’s about me (as always). The facebook thing was only a turning point for me to have the will to do this. Stop doing facebooking is only one of the ways. I really want to see how tough I can handle this ‘test’. I’m sure I can.

That’s quite funny. Sounds like stopping facebooking is a huge matter. Well, again… it is not about the facebook itself. It’s about what I’m going through. That’s why so far I don’t plan to stop facebooking for good. I will only come back facebooking when the situation has changed. What situation?.... =)

This is the second day I don’t open my facebook account and I think I can make it at least within ten days. Why ten days? Coz I am sure the situation will have changed by then. If ten days from now the situation has completely changed, then I may come back facebooking. This coming weekend will be the toughest. But I’m sure that I can make it. I just need to remember how severe what happened two days ago affected me.

I don't want to go home

Now I know why I didn’t want to go home. It was not because the place or the people there. It was about me. Being away from home, office, and my routine life alone has just given me insights on what I need and want. Whether I can pursue it, fulfill it, ignore it, but of course… not regret it.

Here, I have been so engrossed with all the routines, assignments, responsibilities, social norms… and all those superego around me.

There, aside from the demanding training materials, I felt so peaceful inside. Being away from all the hustle and bustle here is, I think, exactly what I need.

I was so focused on myself that I could listen to my mind telling me what I need to do and my heart saying what I want.

I am aware of all decisions I have made. And I guess I’m experiencing the bitter part of one of my decisions. Maybe I trusted my intuition too much that I felt I didn’t want to come back, though it doesn’t mean I wanted to stay there. There was just nothing special that made me want to stay there regardless the happy training. But I was just so reluctant to come back….honestly.

It didn’t take me much time to find out why. Now I know…I do know.

I guess I cannot complain coz actually I know exactly that sooner or later I’m going to pay for what I have decided.

However, there’s something I’m still not sure about.

It is how deep the effect will hit me.

One idea has been hanging in my head for quite some time…..

Something must change. And I am the one who is responsible to make that change happen.

Can emotional change be enough to mend broken pieces? Sure, it depends. Depends on how much damage it will cause.

Should physical change be done?

Then it means physically I have to move to some place where I won’t find any single thing to remind me of those pieces.

I’m feeling it now.

Honestly it hit me hard enough. Though I admit that now I am much more skillful to handle this.

I just hope that I can stay sane, so I won’t appear ridiculous in front of the superego.

Well…why do I have to care so much on superego?

No… I don’t care.

It's just that this time I really can't share this to anybody I used to share with.

I just have to keep it for myself. That’s all.

And that's for the best.

Tahu teck and sightseeing

Finally, the four-day training was over. Never thought that the last day would be the toughest for me. There was a hot debate on questionnaire subject. I think it was I who couldn't explain simply and clearly enough on how to differentiate those different types of questionnaire. I just didn't anticipate those challenging questions from the participants. Let alone that i was just given two hours to deliver this 'heavy' subject. Anyway, general impressions of the training was really good. I really had good time with everybody and everything there.

One story aside from the training stuff. There is somebody who kept commenting and asking for and about things. Anyway, i handled them lightly. Well, I think I was physically, emotionally and intellectually in a good condition during my staying there, coz there was just nothing could make me have negative feelings there, including all the comments and 'invitation'. The PIC there told me that the way I answered and responded to those comments was exactly 'appropriate' to quiet him....hahaaaaa.... cool! I only smiled or laughed each time this person invited me to go out. Don't mean to be 'ge-er', but i think he was doing it on purpose. He was testing me... 'Owh you! You don't know me, yet. Let's wait until this training is over and see what I can do to you', my heart said.

Then the time came. Training was over and I could just do anything I wanted to do without being bothered by all the materials preparation. I thought he had stopped. No... he still asked. I was not sure whether he really meant for asking me out or just casually did that only to see how i would react. and I guess I surprised him when I said 'yes!... anywhere, anything'...hahaaaaaa. Gotcha! The boss said jokingly 'dia emang harus digituin biar diem' =)

Honestly, i didn't expect his coming that evening. I was planning to enjoy my last evening there by watching TV or chatting online, or anything else to enjoy myself. It turned out that he kept his promise. Then we went sightseeing and ate the local food, tahu teck'. It was fun. he was not as 'scary' as his comments. I think he was just being him by doing all the things he did. However, the PIC said that he's been showing his 'fine' side during the training. I believe that. i guess i don't know who he really is. Anyway, it was a completely nice experience to go around that city at night riding a motorbike. He gave me good company.
Btw, don't get me wrong. I don't have a crush on him. Not at all. It's just so nice to have new friend. And this just completed all the fun and nice things I had there.
I told my friend Je that I really had a good time there. He was happy to hear that. I was happier =)

Two more days to go

I’m tired, but satisfied. I’ve passed two out of four days of the training, and so far everything went well. My most concern was the participants. From my experience presenting and observing in Jakarta, some participants were silent and less expressive, even though they were cooperative. I anticipated worse situation than that in Jakarta. Fortunately, it didn’t happen. Though many of them came late, they were not only cooperative, they were very eager to do anything I asked them to do. No complaints, no reluctant, let alone ‘bete’, faces.

My second concern was today’s sessions. Among all topics I have to present in this training, today’s sessions are scariest part. It was about lesson planning… Gosh! The Bloom’s, the objectives, the SOAR, the SMART, the ABCD etc… Last night I was really overwhelmed by these terms that I could hardly think clearly. I kept milling around in my hotel room trying to find ideas on how to make today’s sessions less boring (if I couldn’t make it interesting). It turned out that the participants were full of spirit when they had to share ideas, discuss, and develop lesson plan. I was so…so..so relieved. Though I don’t know (yet) their opinion on how I conduct this training, but at least from their responses in the first two days I can conclude that everything is going just fine.

I still have two more days to go. I really hope nothing will ruin this good situation till the end of the training. God help me…

The Whitey Clouds

I really love my cell-phone. It’s so smart that I don’t need to switch it off during my flight to Surabaya since it has ‘flight mode’. So I can take pictures of the white clouds up there. The weather was so clear and the clouds were so thick. The plane went through the clouds several times.

Watching the clouds, reminded me of a song I used to sing when I was in kindergarten

Kulihat awan
Seputih kapas
Arak-berarak di langit luas
Andai kudapat kesana terbang
Akan kuraih
Kubawa pulang
=)

It also reminded me of a scene in the wayang comics I loved to read when I was a kid. I really loved wayang stories. One scene that I remember most when it comes to the three supreme Gods: Syiwa, Brahma, and Wisnu, they like to watch over people on earth by standing on the clouds. They even often held a meeting on the clouds. Of course It isn’t true. But at least that’s the way the scene was illustrated in the comics.
I kept smiling along the flight… it was a nice flight

The Hotel

Arrived in the hotel, I was welcomed by the cool drink and the nice smile of the front desk officer. Then my eyes caught on something….Yes! there’s hotspot here!...free!...even though only in the lobby. Well, that’s fine, even though the sofa and the table format is not designed to give comfort for people wanting to use laptop there… *sigh*

Opening the room…Geeee…clean and cozy…Modern style, LCD TV, big bed..and…yes! a bathtub. I think it’s a nice time to enjoy myself before doing tomorrows’ sessions. Am I right?

Hey, now I’m waiting for the therapist to give me a free 10-minute back massage…see ya!

I should've or shouldn't have?

Sometimes when you get disappointed, hurt, or upset, you have the urge to let out things to the person who has made you disappointed as much as you can. You are so focused on your disappointment that subconsciously you, yourself, might hurt that person with your harsh blow. And once you find that you have hurt her/him, it will hurt you even more.
That is exactly the thing i just did, i guess.
I'm so sorry... so sorry...so sorry...
seems that i want to say this a thousand times... but i just don't have the courage to say it even once in front of the person...
I'm sorry...

I feel like crying...tonight

I've been longing for the time I could go to a place... alone... sitting quietly enjoying beautiful view of my surroundings...without anybody to interrupt or to stare at me with raised eyebrows...

I really want to get away from people i meet daily... really wanna find someone who can 'hear' the unsaid things of mine... who's gonna say "I do understand you"... "I know what you feel"... without having me whining or spilling out my feelings...

I'm tired... of meeting the wrong person at the wrong time...
No cinderella story on my journal entries...
I really wanna shout... "It's ME!!!... I'm hurt!!"

I know that life is a matter of choice.
And this is my choice... and have to bear the consequences...
But please allow me to have a break...
I wanna have MINE....MINE...truly MINE...

Thank God I found this poem in my old organizer. It helps me cry hard...so I feel a bit relieved now...

YOU LEARN
After awhile you learn
The subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn
That love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeat
With your head up, and your eyes open
With the grace of maturity
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of
Falling down in mid-flight

After awhile you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So play in your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
To give you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

And you learn
And you learn
And you learn
with every goodbye, you learn

(source unknown)

Are you an observer?... coz I am

Do you:

• have a quiet or shy personality?
• like to be alone-get lost in reading or similar interests? (checked)
  
• have definite opinions about most things but show willingness to listen to other interpretations? (checked)
• have an interest in how things work or in philosophical questions? (checked)
• have a whimsical sense of humor?
• tend to stay separate or hover around the edge of the groups (checked)
• seem uninterested in social norms? (checked)
• dislike it when people pry or lavish too much attention on you? (chcked)

Observers are curious and have active minds. They have no problems entertaining themselves. they don't like to be put on the spot. They may see things that others don't. They do not usually care about social conventions and do not alway interact easily.

Observers will do almost anything to avoid unpleasantness. Some wish they could speak without thinking about it so much first. One-to-one contact is often more comfortable than being in groups.

Observers have strong consciences and want to do things according to their principles. They don't like it when others try to caretake or intrude into their business. They love their privacy. Staying up into the late hours, when they don't have to worry about people distracting or bothering them, can give them magical feeling of freedom.

Observers defend themselves well verbally and will argue about almost anything. They form lots of opinions. However, being introverted, they don't think as fast as on their feet as many others do. Decisions can bedifficult for them. They are curious and motivated to learn, but they don't usually broadcast their accomplishment.

For observers, anger and negativism can go underground and go stuck there. In terms of responsibility, they usually have the conscience, sense of fairness, and self-discipline.

If you belong to most characteristics mentioned above, observer may be your main type of personality.

Honestly, I am an observer. Though I know that if my friends read this, they may laugh at me and say...
NO YOU'RE NOT.
If they say so... well, I feel relieved...
wanna know why?
Well, let me just keep it for myself =)

a piece of my old journal entries

Recently, I like to read some of my old journal entries. Somewhere around 2004 I wrote down a short poem given by a colleague.

DREAMS
by Langston Hughes, 1994

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow

Now she knows that she's a girl

Malika is a four-year-old little girl who has one sister named Dara. Unlike her sister who is really girly, Malika is so boyish. She doesn't like dolls and skirts. On the other hand, she really likes toy cars and boys' stuff. She's really energetic. Her motoric development has improved fast ever since she was a baby. She, and Dara, has a male cousin named Farhan. Malika adores Farhan very much. That is (I think) because Farhan is a boy. She would do anything Farhan does. She would play anything Farhan plays. She would choose Farhan's choices.

Her favorite movies are The Cars and Avatar. Her properties are about The Cars. If she chooses clothing, she would choose T-shirt with pictures of jeep, army tank, racing cars. She would refuse wearing dress, or t-shirt with pictures of strawberry, barbie or girly characters.

Initially her mom doesn't really mind about her being boyish. She thinks that it would change as Malika grows up. However, she started to feel worried when once Malika admitted that she's a boy.
"Aku anak cowok!"
When her mom said that she's actually a girl, she refused
"Bukan... aku cowok!"
Her mom starts thinking how to tell Malika that boys and girls are different. She knows that she should handle this gently, otherwise things will backfire her or Malika.

Until one day....
Malika was taking a bath with Farhan (this is also something that she would like to do even though her mom has tried to break this habit). During bathing, Malika saw that something is different between her and Farhan. After taking a bath, she told this to her mom. She said that Farhan has a 'bird' while she doesn't. Her mom felt so relieved and told her that it's because Farhan is a boy and she's a girl. They are different.

Since from then on, each time people teased her whether she's a boy or a girl (because of her boyish interest), she would answer, "Aku anak cewek!"
Even though it doesn't change her interest on toy cars and friends, or how she sees Farhan, now she doesn't refuse to wear skirts or dress. She would happily accept her mom combing her hair with color rubbers (like in the pictures). And she would look forward to hearing people saying "Malika cantik!" And she doesn't take a bath with Farhan anymore with her own will.

What Feb 14 means

Many people around the world see Feb 14 as special date. They give chocolate, gifts, lovely cards for their loved ones. They call it Valentine's day. For me, and my family, we do celebrate the day. But we don't celebrate it because it's valentine's day. Get the hell of Valentine's day. For me, personally, Valentine's day is just nonsense. So, if I, and my family, celebrates the day, that;s because it's my mom's birthday.

This year, she seems a lot happier to celebrate her birthday. She got presents from her grandchildren, a bag and a box of chocolate. She also got an MP4 player from her sister-something that she's been planning to buy. She also got a birthday cake from a relative. Not only that, this month is also her turn to get "arisan"...

So today she invited everybody to eat seafood in a restaurant that she's been planning to visit... hmmm ... yummy
I think I ate too much squid today (my favorite seafood)... but no matter... I'll eat more veggie tomorrow... (hopefully...heheheeee..)

Happy birthday mom!

a nice online reunion

Lately I have a new hobby... facebooking. Honestly, I wasn't really interested in joining online networking like friendster, flixter, hi5, including facebook. I finally opened a facebook account since one of my cyber friends invited me to join facebook. I didn't have the heart to reject the invitation.
Compare to others who have facebook account, I think I am one of those who have the fewest friends on my facebook list. Well, it is not me at all to make my properties like photos, notes, etc public.

It's been few months I have had the account. One by one my high school friends who sometimes keep contact through email, find me on facebook. As time goes by, more people find me. This makes me want to find my old buddies too.

At the moment I have reunited with my many of my high school friends as well as my friends who shared the rented house with me in college.

Actually i'm not the kind of person who likes the idea of reunion, remembering the past and so on. But for this one i completely feel different. I feel really excited to meet those people in my past life online. Share information about how they are as well as share with them how i am daily. Read their comments as well as give comments to their daily status, photos, or else. I even chat with a friend whom i rarely spoke with in high school. I'm really having a good time 'talking' to them. It feels so great to remember that I really-really had good time during my younger life =)