farewell - limited edition

Some time ago, my boss called me. She said that she would like to hold a farewell lunch for me. She would invite my other boss and my colleagues for the lunch. I told her, she didn't have to do this since i would only move my office from branch to headquarters. I didn't quit. Anyway, I never like the idea of farewell party, whatsoever. But she said it's okay to have it. I accepted her idea.

Today is the day.
Since few days ago, we've already planned to have that lunch today. I tried to change my view of this lunch. Thinking that this is just like any other occasions when we would dine out together. We agreed to leave at 10, since some of my colleagues would have task late afternoon.
Along the way things were fun and fine. We chatted and laughed. We even took pictures in the car. Arriving at the restaurant, we found convenient position to sit. My boss asked one of my colleagues to open the talk.... "Geeeee, here it comes," my mind said. Each of them said things for me, starting from the serious one to the not-serious one. During the moment, I kept taking deep breaths, trying hard to hold the emotion as my hands kept tearing the tissue. They were laughing looking at what I was doing. Until it was my turn.
Speechless....
I completely made effort to say things word per word...
They laughed and said "We finally make you speechless"
My boss teased me, "If you were a practice teacher, you wouldn't pass the training"
They finally witnessed a talkative person like me being speechless... :p

more than words

There will be moments when words are not enough. You want to share with your (best) friends, but you just cannot find the right words to say it. You want to write, but you just don't know what to write. You even do not know what you have to pray for.
That's what happens to me lately.
Don't get me wrong...
I don't regret my decision. I accept what's before me now. I just can't help having this unknown-but-unpleasant feeling.
hormonal....well, that's possible. But, I'm not having my period...nor I'm going to have it days ahead.
woman....melancholic...well, maybe...
I don't even have the interest to go shopping. The thing i often do to escape.
Sometimes i want to just cut it off...but, at times i make effort to maintain the ties. What does actually i want? I am sometimes confused myself...
I was about to pack my stuff yesterday when they said that i don't need to pack yet since nobody's coming to replace me.
They plan an outing in the near future, and still count me in. On the other hand, they seem to prepare a big farewell...twice.
Actually, i may still see everybody...well, at least most of them, in the near future. But still...things are not the same anymore, and i think that's what makes me feel sad.

How can I not love you

Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together

Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other

Must be strong,
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share
Sweet and tender moments

Cannot feel
How we feel
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave,
And we must go on
Must not say,
What we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone
How can I not love you..

Must be brave,
And we must be strong
Cannot say,
What we've known all along.

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

How can I not love you..
When you are gone.....

by Joy Enriquez

It starts to hit me

"This is really a year of hardwork," statement i wrote in my mailbox status. Right... I have been so engrossed with all the work that i barely pay attention to anything else since the end of January. I even almost forgot that i (have to) move out from my current office. It is people around me (as well as the ones in other branches) asking me questions: "When will you move out?", "You are still here? I thought you've moved out?".
"April"... "Next term"...or just a smile....my answers. I answered those questions shortly. No specific feeling inside. Most of the time, I was busy thinking and doing the work before me. I guess even my parents started to think about my working hours, "What's actually your working time?", coz i often went early in the morning and came back at 9.30 p.m.
I witnessed people in my office start talking about the plan of my farewell without a single specific feeling. Even sometimes they forgot that i was there watching them discussing what to do for the farewell. I took it lightly. I haven't packed a single stuff of mine till now, FYI.
Living one day at a time....
Then...
one by one, those loads started to decrease...one by one, each work started to reach the end...until last Friday. Done...for the time being.
Then... i realized that it's only two weeks away from the date.
Suddenly i felt like a person just waking up from the sleep. I started to feel my surroundings and myself....
A pang in my heart... dunno exactly what hurt me...
the worst... I had a bad dream: a person i trusted was laughing over my sorrow...
*sigh*
I start to hate the idea of my office farewell. I start to have a bad mood towards the person in my dream. I start to hate my phones ringing. I start to feel reluctant to meet people i know.
Though i knew this kind of feeling might come as i am reaching the day of my moving. I hate it a lot...