To be ikhlash is completely hard

I just learned how someone can really be so annoying that whether i take action or just keep silent the effect will b the same.  Even though i didn't do anything to her,  not a thing.  The more i try to fix things, the worse the effect i receive. 

Honestly, i feel relieved starting she stopped calling me at nights to vent all she had in her heart and head, starting the day she managed her account setting so i can't see her account activities.  Well,  that sounds rude.  I know.  That's why i have been keeping it in my head all this time.  But now i really feel like saying it out loud.

I thought being away from her is enough to make my life (and her life, maybe) peaceful. I thought (when I was her friend)  i was annoyed because i was involved in her problems. She made me involved in her problems.  I thought by deciding to let her deal with her own problems i would not invite troubles. 

I still greet her.  I still treat her the way i deal with other people.  No matter how she has been treating me. 

I just never thought that after being distant for long she still involves me.  She thinks everything in this world is about her, including things i do.  And she can easily interpret things i do the way she likes and talk about it behind my back.

Somehow i know that all this time she is still nosy about what i'm going through. But i don't give a damn.  If she knows my problems,  my failures,  my worries,  so what? I can still bear it since i don't want to get carried away (anymore) by whatever she does.

However....

I can't do that this time.  She sells my name to people. Telling her interpretation that i have done her wrong.  And she said it behind my back. 

The worse comes when i try to fix things.

It seems that i just have to swallow this silently. 

Now,  i do pray that i can make her not exist to me, and i do pray Allah keep her away from me.  So my life can be peaceful

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I Want to Cut Clean You

I feel like leaving that place completely.
So I can cut clean you.
I am considering this
Again and again
You make me think of this option
Never other people around you, even the intimidating ones
I hope time will tell me soon
soon enough to make a final decision

May our conviction lead us back together

Many years ago, I had a friend, a best friend. She was once my roommate as well as my classmate. We were also involved in the same organization. We shared many things together. We were friends, even sisters for almost ten years. We sometimes had arguments because of our different characters. Often we resolved quickly, sometimes not. But, no matter how hard the arguments were, we always managed to stay together, to keep our friendship. Sometimes i wondered what really made us stay friends. I got the answer... it was our conviction.

Until one day... one particular matter. It was about me...my life. Each time we came into this matter, we would get into different angles. Once...twice...I don't remember how many times we got into that matter and we would argue, until I decided "Enough is enough..."

Since then on, I haven't called her, nor visited her. I was so upset that i deleted her number from my cell-phone. She never called me either...let alone visited me.

Time passes by...now, it's been almost eight years (not really sure) since the last time i called her. I don't know where she lives now...the last time i knew she moved to another town.

Lately... and now... I remember her and our friendship long-long time ago...including what made us separated. One side of me says, she did that because she wanted to see me stop suffering, the other side of me says, she just didn't understand me. She used to be a person who could really convince me in times when i got confused of what i had to do or decide. She also often reminded me to stay 'on track'.

After many years passed...I have gone through times when i wasn't sure about things. But I don't know why now i wish she were here... I really wish she were here, right now...

I hope things are fine with her...
and I pray to God...may our conviction unite us back as friends and sisters...

What my horoscope says...

Actually, i do not believe in horoscopes. Yet, i am sometimes intrigued to read them. Especially when i feel i don't have anything else to read (alasan banget bukan?)
Oh, well...let's not argue about whether what the horoscopes tell will indeed come true or not. That doesn't matter.... (reaaaalllyyy????...heheheeeee)

Year 2010 Overview

Aquarius often gets pegged as being a little too cerebral for its own good. But the truth is, that's where you do your best work. The next year is going to give you the opportunity to use those sharp mental powers to focus on what it is you really want out of life. Two eclipses fall in your Twelfth House, which will bring out your intuitive side, and give you a chance to see your life from a less-strictly-logical (yet no less valid) perspective. The additional information they give you about your life and your position in it will be your big chance to put things in order.

Saturn is also going to be bringing big changes as to your philosophical approach to life. What fundamental approaches to life have worked for you, and what haven't? You may have never stopped to ask that question, or known the benefits of finding the right answer to it. This year, those answers will come, and your life is likely to be a saner, better-adjusted place for it.

Of course, it's impossible to have a well-ordered world around you without having a few other people in it. The middle part of the year will see close friends and partners coming and going in your life, more so than you've seen in a long time. In part, this will be a reflection of the changes going on in your "higher mind." And again, the overall effect should be a positive one. It's your worldview, Aquarius -- make it the best you can!

Honestly, i don't really understand the meaning of some terms mentioned. But, don't bother. I got the message anyway... :)

Perih...itu rasanya

Seperti disilet-silet...ditetesin jeruk nipis...silakan bayangin. Kalo mo nyoba juga terserah. Tapi honestly aku juga blom pernah sih kena luka silet trus ditetesin jeruk nipis kaya apa perihnya...
(koq jadi bahas silet?)

Eh tapi bener...perih...periiiiihhhh banget. Pengen teriak aja rasanya. Sakiiiiittttt....sakit tauuuukkk... Kaya judul lagu band ABG 'Vierra' itu (meskipun aku ga tau sih itu lagu cerita tentang apa). Saking perihnya, sampe ga bisa mikir. Blank.

Jauh...jauuuuh di sudut hati paling dalam sepertinya aku mendengar suara "Gue bilang juga apeeee...." Bahasa Inggrisnya, "I told youuuu..."
Koq waktu itu aku berani ya? Apa mungkin waaktu itu aku ga pernah nyangka perihnya sampe perih banget kali ya? Ah nggak juga sih... Tau lah...

Yang pasti sumpah deh perih banget...tapi aku gak menyesal...gak mau...gak mungkin. Sebagai orang dewasa (halah gaya...) aku harus bersedia menerima apapun kelanjutan dari proses yang sudah terjadi. Seiring waktu berjalan, dan dia sampai di titik persimpangan, pilihannya kan cuma dua memang...enak-nggak enak, perih-nggak perih, menyenangkan-gak menyenangkan, dst.

Jadi inget kata-kata temen..."Be thankful when you feel the hurt, it means you are alive"hmmm...ya, Alhamdulillah aku masih 'hidup' Jadi inget juga kata-kata Kahlil Gibran (alamaaaakkk) di bukunya 'Sang Nabi'
hmmmm....lupa sih tepatnya kata-katanya gimana tapi pokoknya maksudnya gini...semakin dalam seseorang merasakan perih, itu menunjukkan sedalam itu juga seseorang bisa merasakan bahagia. Seperti cawan, semakin dalam lekukannya, semakin banyak air yang bisa dia tampung.
Hiyyyaaaaaa....bikin kata-kata kiasan sih gampaaaang...ngalaminnya tuuuhhh...

satu hal yang membuat aku agak merasa berkurang perihnya (berarti tetep perih tuh), karena aku gak menyesal. Mencoba menerima apapun yang terjadi, membuat aku nggak kehilangan kendali. Meskipun kadang ingin juga bertanya kepada Allah. Kenapa sekarang? Apakah akan sama jadinya kalau ini terjadi bertahun-tahun yang lalu?

Aku punya keyakinan Allah tidak pernah zhalim kepada hambaNya. Dua tanganku kugenggam erat...keras malah. Seperti mencoba menggenggam erat keyakinan itu. Allah pasti punya rencana, yang aku blum tau apa.
Aku berdoa....Berdoa apa saja dari apa yang aku rasa. Karena memang cuma itu yang aku bisa. Kalau dalam situasi kaya gini, terasa banget kalau hidup ini ada dalam genggamanNya.

Kalau ditanya apa yang aku mau...aku tahu. dan jujur, doa itu juga yang aku panjatkan. Meskipun kadang2 sampe gak berani berdoa...entah kenapa. Tapi bagaimana realisasinya...pasti Allah yang lebih tahu... Aku? pasrah...sambil terus berusaha menggenggam keyakinan: 'Allah tidak pernah zhalim pada hambaNya'

I will be just fine

It's been so many years i haven't been in a very uncomfortable situation when I felt so confused with so many unaswered questions in my head. So uncomfortable that what I could do was only crying and crying. I didn't even know exactly what serious matter I was worried or confused about. Hormonal effect? well...maybe...indeed, I was having my period...That was what my logic said. However, my heart said something was not going right...I knew it...I just knew.

Honestly, i don't believe in sixth sense, meaning of dream, whatsoever...though I do believe in my intuition. I was tortured by all the questions in my head. I needed answers but I just couldn't get them. I was kind of being led to situation once I went through in the past where I almost lost control of my life. I sobbed... I didn't want to go back to that situation anymore...never...

Thank God...it didn't last long. I eventually got the answers. Though the answers actually confirmed my hunch, I still do not want to believe in what people call as sixth sense. Though I know now that chemistry exists and my intuition is right.

Since then, thisngs are not the same anymore. Apparently, the reality is not on my favor. Well...i get used to it.
This is the first weekend since change took place. It's not enjoyable...not at all...but i need to tell myself, I will be just fine....just fine...

I am thankful that I'm a woman

There are times when you have to face a certain course of life and find it hard to deal with coz you cannot do anything about it. But still, you need to express what you feel inside, otherwise you will go insane or at least off control.
For me, i would cry as hard as I can...until my eyesight is blurred, until i'm tired and falls asleep.
As far as I know, this usually goes to women...maybe not all...well, i guess most women do...or at least women like me...
I'm thankful I still can cry...
I'm thankful that I'm a woman
(not really sure which one should come first)