I don't want to go home

Now I know why I didn’t want to go home. It was not because the place or the people there. It was about me. Being away from home, office, and my routine life alone has just given me insights on what I need and want. Whether I can pursue it, fulfill it, ignore it, but of course… not regret it.

Here, I have been so engrossed with all the routines, assignments, responsibilities, social norms… and all those superego around me.

There, aside from the demanding training materials, I felt so peaceful inside. Being away from all the hustle and bustle here is, I think, exactly what I need.

I was so focused on myself that I could listen to my mind telling me what I need to do and my heart saying what I want.

I am aware of all decisions I have made. And I guess I’m experiencing the bitter part of one of my decisions. Maybe I trusted my intuition too much that I felt I didn’t want to come back, though it doesn’t mean I wanted to stay there. There was just nothing special that made me want to stay there regardless the happy training. But I was just so reluctant to come back….honestly.

It didn’t take me much time to find out why. Now I know…I do know.

I guess I cannot complain coz actually I know exactly that sooner or later I’m going to pay for what I have decided.

However, there’s something I’m still not sure about.

It is how deep the effect will hit me.

One idea has been hanging in my head for quite some time…..

Something must change. And I am the one who is responsible to make that change happen.

Can emotional change be enough to mend broken pieces? Sure, it depends. Depends on how much damage it will cause.

Should physical change be done?

Then it means physically I have to move to some place where I won’t find any single thing to remind me of those pieces.

I’m feeling it now.

Honestly it hit me hard enough. Though I admit that now I am much more skillful to handle this.

I just hope that I can stay sane, so I won’t appear ridiculous in front of the superego.

Well…why do I have to care so much on superego?

No… I don’t care.

It's just that this time I really can't share this to anybody I used to share with.

I just have to keep it for myself. That’s all.

And that's for the best.