Have you ever wondered that soneone came to your life, touched your soul, made you realize what's worth in you. That person made you see that you can do a lot more than what you can achieve now. That person helped you take the first frightening step, helped you feel alright. That person showed you which way you could take. The one making you feel so blessed. Far from your eyes, but close to your heart.
The moment has gone, but the mark stays...forever
I am such an impulsive buyer when it comes to gadgets. I knew that. That's why i always warn myself each time i start to get lured by the new version of gadgets. Lately, i've been refraining myself from buying the latest version of android smartphone. I kept telling myself that my present android phone is still smart enough and buying the new (and of course expensive) one is just a waste of money. Once, i almost gave up. It was when my hb couldn't reach the normal range eventhough i already went through iron transfusion and ate more. I was pissed after reading the lab result and directly went to the mall (anak mall bgt gw ya).
On the other side of the story. Starting from the release of a new type of gadget called tablet, i have never been interested in buying one. For me, i'd rather buy high spec laptop or smartphone than a tablet. Until one day...
Things got dusgusting at the office and i felt i need to distract myself from all negative feelings and thoughts caused by things happened at the office. Reading is a good escape. I don't need to disturb anybody to listen to me venting my emotions. Anyway i think some stuff cannot be shared. Then i started to take my unfinished novels. Until then.... i realized i have many ejournals and ebooks i haven't read. Actually i can read them in my android phone...but it's too small. That was exactly the time when i thought buying a tablet is a good option.
First i only wanted to browse. I asked my brother to drive me to a gadget outlet that night (i got the idea in the afternoon). But he said, "Halaaaah beli aja langsung"
We went there,.. and yes...i bought it...heheee.
And right...this new tablet is a really-really nice distractor. I can do loads with it. Well...it's an impulsive buying, but useful. Don't you think? :-)
I am capable
Of loving regatdless of whether i am loved in return,
Of giving even when i have nothing,
Of working happily even in the midst of difficulties,
Of holding out my hand even when utterly alone and abandoned,
Of drying my tears even while i weep,
Of believing even when no one believes in me.
Taken from Aleph by Paulo Coelho
For the past two and a half months i've been changing my eatling habit. I didn't use to have breakfast early in the morning before. It was really hard for me to eat at 6, even at 7... let alone earlier than that. I could only bear a cup of coffee to 'wake me up'. I could bear brunch but not breakfast. Consequently, i usually had late lunch since i was still full at noon. Apparently, that kind of eating habit worsened my blood status. I was identified of having severe anemia with severe low ferritin. My hb was 6.3 only, while normal woman should have at least 11.7. A friend said, "Vampires would not like to haunt you, then... someone with little and thin blood liquid". Heheee...
My ferritin was lower than 2 when normal people should have 15-150. Ferritin is protein/enzyme containing iron stored in human bones. It functions mainly to catalyze food supply to blood in order for us to get energy. People with low ferritin has high risk of osteoporosis and bones easily cracked. People like me would easily get fainted and dizzy, not to mention easily get tired...
Funnily, i never got fainted. I did get tired after office hours, but i thought it was just normal. It was just usual tiredness, not fatigue-like. The doctor said my body already adapted with the condition, and i was likely to lead a happy life, that was why i appeared fine. However, i couldn't stay with that kind of health condition coz it would risk my health in the long run, not to mention that i will have to go through surgery in the near future.
So, there goes the change of my eating habit. Now, i must have breakfast (big one if possible). And it must include eggs, with the ratio 3:1 for albumin over egg yolk. I must drink juice, milk with high calcium. I surely have to eat a lot. Eat meat a lot (i like this one ). And wait...that's not enough. I must be infused with iron liquid oncr every 2-3 weeks.
And here i am now...chubby...doesn't matter. My hb is already 10.2, my ferritin is already 20...not bad, right? I still need to get the iron transfusion this afternoon. "One more," said the doctor. Well, it's been the second time she said 'one more'.
Just now, i had my breakfast... rice with fried tofu and chicken soup, plus two sets of cheese sandwich. Heheee....
A long time ago during my staying in Bogor, my friends and i sometimes shared our dreams about our future life or career. I dreamed that one day i would want to have my own small school with the design of my choice, with the color of mt taste, with my K-primary school students coming and greeting me everyday.
What a dream... hahaaaa... I said it anyway. And my friends at that time said... "We pray for you." Even one of them, who was my junior, said "Take me with you, ya mbak "
Time went by. Sometimes i remember it, but life is a reality. Even too real that i sometimes feel afraid of keeping the dream alive.
I almost forgot it. Really.
Until recently. I saw the plan before me. "It's like the one in my mind, you know, " that's what i said.
You must've thought i was joking. Though later you knew i wasn't.
I didn't think before you would finally say it.
Honestly, i am tempted. And i guess you know i am. We know exactly that we might court catastrophe if we do... And i'm not sure if i should risk it now.
But i am still tempted... i still am...
I don't know why this week i have to deal with dodol circumstances done by dodol and (i thought) not dodol people. Starting Monday until (even) today (Saturday). Gosh! And they thought they are victims of the situstions.
They said things and then forgot and in critical situation, either panicky or defensive... One even didnt know what she said a.k.a gajebo. They just don't see anything wrong with them.
"The grass is green at my yard, neighbors need glasses to have clearer view of my home,"... yeah, rite.
Well... they did say sorry...( some didn't).
And to make it dramatic, one is a monster with (of course) scary (and sometimes scared) face. This one always has presumption I will blame him for things when at the same time actually he is the one being prejudice with me and his surroundings. Sick...
Honestly, i never signed up for this, to deal with dodol things a full whole week.
Can't believe this... and these people? Oh God...
I just learned how someone can really be so annoying that whether i take action or just keep silent the effect will b the same. Even though i didn't do anything to her, not a thing. The more i try to fix things, the worse the effect i receive.
Honestly, i feel relieved starting she stopped calling me at nights to vent all she had in her heart and head, starting the day she managed her account setting so i can't see her account activities. Well, that sounds rude. I know. That's why i have been keeping it in my head all this time. But now i really feel like saying it out loud.
I thought being away from her is enough to make my life (and her life, maybe) peaceful. I thought (when I was her friend) i was annoyed because i was involved in her problems. She made me involved in her problems. I thought by deciding to let her deal with her own problems i would not invite troubles.
I still greet her. I still treat her the way i deal with other people. No matter how she has been treating me.
I just never thought that after being distant for long she still involves me. She thinks everything in this world is about her, including things i do. And she can easily interpret things i do the way she likes and talk about it behind my back.
Somehow i know that all this time she is still nosy about what i'm going through. But i don't give a damn. If she knows my problems, my failures, my worries, so what? I can still bear it since i don't want to get carried away (anymore) by whatever she does.
However....
I can't do that this time. She sells my name to people. Telling her interpretation that i have done her wrong. And she said it behind my back.
The worse comes when i try to fix things.
It seems that i just have to swallow this silently.
Now, i do pray that i can make her not exist to me, and i do pray Allah keep her away from me. So my life can be peaceful
It seems that what my friend said that i never learn my lesson is true. Particularly with certain people. It happened again today. Again, i fell into the same mistake. I let this person ruined my day. The thing i hate the most is bcoz i am the one responsible for the bitter result. I was the one to open the chance to happen. "I should've known!"....
Uuuuurgh....i hate it. Several times i promise myself to be aware. Still, i got carried away with the idea different topic, different situation, time passed by, people change. I WAS WRONG...Those ideas are just not applicable to these kinds of human being.
I feel like banging my head on the wall. Finding myself doing the same foolishness is almost unforgivable to me. I guess i really need self hypnosis at the moment.
Sent from my Android
"Sometimes our pain is caused by our own mistakes."
I have been reducing red meat consumption for the past few months. I even avoid fastfood restaurants. I push myself to eat more fish, fruit, and veggie. I sometimes go to the gym. I do relaxation. I also take some food supplement regularly. In short, I try to live a healthier lifestyle. It really works, though indeed I have to spend more and keep telling myself that I do need this. Well, health is expensive as you age, but getting sick will cost you more. Not included the physical and emotional sufferings.
As a result of my effort, I don't have to experience that monthly stomach pain. The out-of-the-blue bleeding whatsoever. I even heal symptoms of flu my own through self hypnosis.
But it all has gone starting lebaran holiday few weeks ago. I prefer angry birds to self relaxation before sleep. Blame it to the android. And it's really hard to resist those delicious but full-of-fat-and-cholesterol food. Suddenly I really want to eat all the food I'd better avoid including instant noodles. I started eating what I wanted, not what I needed.
And here I am now with this unfinished flu and cough. I'm having my period. A week earlier than the usual schedule, with the agony of severe stomach pain for the past two days. Yesterday was the worst. Today is the first day of my period without pain. But of course it's bleeding alot. Going back and forth to bathroom every two hours.
This is all my mistake. I really should get back to my healthy lifestyle now. I really should.
Sent from my Android
